Brainwashing...

There has been a video circling through Facebook the past few days.  I saw the title and was skeptical but so many people had posted it so I gave a listen.  (If you have yet to hear it feel free to click the link below and give a listen.)

My Parents Brainwashed Me

Although I understand the motive behind this particular young man's words and what his heart is trying to convey, I'm struggling with the title and the issues that have been stirred up in my heart because of the many responses I've read.  I am a Christian and I am approaching this from the Christian perspective and the things I've seen in the lives of those around me based on this topic.  My posts are not usually this religious based so I apologize in advance.  :)  I'm also having a extremely difficult time organizing my thoughts on this topic so please excuse me if this post seems a little more dis-jointed than most.  

I think there is a fine line between teaching your children how to think verses teaching them what to think.  I believe the former is something that gives children tools they can use all throughout their lives while the latter can be so damaging.  I've seen more 20 somethings then I would like who get to that point in their lives where they are no longer living in the parents home, under their rules and beliefs, fall apart because of this very thing: they were not taught how to think and instead were instructed what to think.  I've always struggled with the verse "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."  I struggle with the word 'train.'  In my mind I've always thought 'you train a dog, you teach a person.'  Training a dog is teaching them exactly how you want them to act and getting them to respond on command when you say so.  Why would we want our children to be like this.  Why would we want a "stepford church" that does what it's told and has pre-programed responses to all things without any personal thought behind them.  Where is there even room for God in that?  (Don't get me wrong, I know there a others ways to interpret this passage then the one I just provided, my concern is with people who do interpret it like this and the damage that can lead to.)

I find it very sad to see people reach that point in their lives where they have left the nest and are able to sore, only to find that they have been so sheltered up to this point that they freeze like a dear in he headlights, realizing that there a huge parts of humanity they know nothing about.  I've seen more people question their faith at this point in their lives than any other.  To be honest I don't blame them.  The Christian church stands on the premise that each person must make the decision to follow god on their own accord, but how can someone truly follow something without the knowledge of their options?  In order to qualify something as a belief has to come with the counter part that you are choosing to believe even though there is a possibility that it could not be true.  We could all be wrong.  That is what makes a belief a belief.  

I consider myself lucky to have grown up in a home where beliefs were not taught, but rather encouraged.  I consider myself lucky to have gone to a public school where I had the opportunity to learn about multiple world religions.  I consider myself lucky to have family who loves me, although we don't always see 100% eye-to-eye on what we believe, there is freedom to make our own choices.  When the time came for me to choose what I believe, I felt as though I had all the tools and information I needed to form my own opinions and decide for myself.  

I have more friends than I would like who were raised in Christian homes and abandoned those beliefs once leaving the nest.  It saddens me to see young adults working through emotions and social situation that most people I know (myself included) went through in their pre-teen or teenage years.  And the way the Church responds can be even worse.  I've seen a lot of impatience with these people.  I've heard things like "they know better," "they're just going through a phase," and "why are they being so stupid."

Although I know this young man used the word "brainwashed" as a satire to make his point, I can't help but think of people who have truly felt this way and how hurt they have been from the responses of others.  It has been my experience that people in this situation need space.  Space to learn how they actually feel about various things and time to learn how their brain works through these things.  They need people to give them time to work through it on their own without people constantly giving them their opinion of what they think they should believe.  And most importantly they need unconditional love.  Love that is not dependent on what they believe and the knowledge that that love will still be there even if we never reach a place where our beliefs are similar.  

Please don't take my frustration as judgement for those who liked this video or judgement towards parents.  I understand that everyone raises there children in different ways and I have no right to criticize or judge their choices, my only concern is how we as a church can care for young adults going through the process of leaving the nest and what kind of love and support is best in helping them to become the individuals that I now God wants them to be.    

Bittersweet...

There is a house on Baltimore Pike in Media, it's not a fancy house, it's not even a "nice" house and I bet there are people who have driven past this house every day and never even noticed it, but for me it is a house of memories.  On the outside it was nothing special; dirty white siding, overgrown weeds, an old boat in the driveway... but the inside was the most alive and vibrant home I've ever seen.  I'd never been inside a house that had such color before.  The walls were nothing short of a series of stories  which told of the joy, the laughter and the love that took place inside.  

Deep Cranberry, Bright Yellow, Bold Purple...

This was Michelle's house and the influence that she had on me goes so much deeper than the vibrant colors I have meticulously placed on the walls of every home I have lived in since.  The walls of her home were nothing more than a reflection of her own heart; joy filled, vibrant, real, and inviting.  This morning, as I learned of her passing I just keep thinking of that house.  It was a more than a house... for some it was a place of joy and friendship, for some a place or rest, for some a place of learning, for some a place of transition, and for others a place of refuge.  It is what happens when you turn a building with walls, a ceiling and a floor, into a living breathing thing where God dwells and everyone within has more peace.  It is what I strive for with my own home.  

If I had the time (and you had the desire to read this for 2 more hours) I would list all of the others ways that "Shelly" has influenced my life.  But that list is way too long for the provided character spaces this fictitious home called the internet provides.  

Many people have heard me say how much I love Jewish funerals.  (Stay with me for a minute, I promise this will make sense and I apologize in advance to any of my Jewish friends who reads this because I'm sure to get some of the details incorrect.)  

I've never seen a more real, raw account of people honoring a loved one lost than at a Jewish funeral.  Living in America today so much time is spent repressing emotions.  Many believe emotion is a sign of weakness and therefore when something sad happens we are programmed to hold it together, get through it and move on.  In the Jewish faith not only are people given the opportunity to mourn, but they are directly instructed to do so.  There is no need to hold back tears, to look exactly how you feel and to lean on each other during this time.  What a beautiful thing that is.  Although there is joy in the fact that the person is no longer suffering it does not cancel out our own grief that they are no longer with us, and therefor mourning is important and valued.  

Today I mourn.

The Jewish faith believes that our bodies are sacred vessels used by God and that when a person dies there soul passes on and the body; the vessel is all that's left to bury.  With this faith being so geared toward serving one another in need, they believe that the greatest act of service you can do for another person is to bury their body because it is the only act of service that the person can never repay.  There are few things I've seen as moving as a group of people in their best clothes, in the rain, covered in mud as they shovel mounds and mounds of dirt onto the casket in the ground.  There is something so real about it.  This is not a ceremony, it is not rehearsed, there is no pretty back drop set up for the occasions, there is no fake grass on the ground to cover up what is actually happening.  It's real, it's raw, there are tears, there is sweat, it is hard work and it is beautiful.  

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but beauty isn't always easy to look at.  Sometimes it is painful, scary and broken; but because you are seeing it with your own soul, witnessing imperfections of life right before you, it is beautiful simply because it is... and how much better are we for having experienced it.

Michelle, if the laws of Pennsylvania allowed me to, I would serve you in this way.  

Exciting

Exciting is a term I have come to know the past few months.  Exciting is a Tindall term, and it doesn't always mean what you think it does.  In my mind exciting means something great, fantastic, or awesome, but for Tindall boys it can mean something completely different.  It's not always good.  Sometimes it can mean anything that causes you to become excitable.  In the eyes of these people some things they define as exciting are: surfing, car accidents, good food, surgery, surprises, fights, action movies, etc.  

Today, my life was exciting...

I began a trial process of botox injections in my face and neck to relieve muscle tension, headaches, and my overabundance of facial movement.  The Dr's aren't sure if it will work but their philosophy of "it's better to inject a medicine directly to the effected area then to have you take multiple pills that go throughout your entire blood stream causing you other multiple side effects" is one that I agree with and I was willing to give it a shot.  Shot being the key word for the day.  I went into this thinking I was would be getting 8 shots in my face and 4 in my neck.  I was excited about the end result this could produce but also excited (AKA nervous as heck!) about these needles.  I'm not one to be afraid of needles but when they're in my face it's a different story.  I had a dream earlier this week that my face twitched right as they gave me the injection and it got stuck that way permanently.  I decided I needed some support and since my mom was unable to attend, my dear friend Megan went with me.  We had quite an adventure... it was exciting.  

It started with me finding an awesome parking spot.  My car was barely smaller than the space and yet I was still able to parallel park in one back up and one pull forward!  (after I went around the block one more time because the guy super close behind me was making me nervous about parking.)  It was also less than a block from the office which in center city is nothing short of a miracle.  Then Megan so gracious provided the insane amount of quarters needed to park at a meter in center city.   I mean really, 10 minutes for one quarter, that ridiculous!

Once in the appointment I was first informed of all the possible things that could go wrong during this (which was a surprisingly short list compared to most medical procedures) and then came to find out, after a lot of awkward (on my end) staring at my face, that what was originally thought to be 8 injections would now be 16.  Yes... 16!!!!!  The Dr. plotted out each injection site on a computer face that showed all the muscles (and also looked freakishly like something out of The Terminator) and then it was go time.  I'm laying on the table and I grab Megan's hand.  Yes we actually held hands!  And apparently I have a very strong grip.  (It's OK, as an OB nurse, she has felt worse!)

This procedure was much more painful than I expected it to be and I can not believe that people would volunteer to do this for cosmetic reasons!  Who volunteers to get needles in their eyelids!?!  It will take a week or so to see if it worked.  Until then I play a waiting game.  The appointment was super fast.  I was in and out of there in an hour.  Another win for team Marti/Megan was coming out to the car and fining only 2 minutes left on the meter.  Ha!  Take that city of Philadelphia, no overpaying for your ridiculously priced parking here!

I was surprised by how much pain I was in after.  I felt like I had a headache just around my eyes and like I had terrible sinus pressure.  I came home, took Motrin and slept for the afternoon.  10 hours later the pressure is still there slightly but it's not painful, just noticeable.  I have a mild shiner from some of the needle spots but nothing major, just some small battle scars.  :)  I'm glad the initial experience is over.  My fear of the unknown has been put to rest.  Megan was hysterical, keeping me laughing through most of it, and loving the fact that she was able to witness the craziness.  My favorite of her quotes from the day were "you looked badass" and "there was a shit ton of injections happening!"

And I would love to give a shout out to my new doctor.  She is seriously awesome!  Not only does she seem like a real person that truly cares about her patients but she even brought a compact to work today so that I could see how I looked afterward.   It's been a long journey trying to find this new doctor and although the last year of drama with the office was terrible, I'm hoping that she will be with me for awhile.  I say 'with me' because I truly believe that's how medicine should be.  It's not about you going with them, it's them coming along side you in your journey.  

So yes, today was exciting: some ways good, some ways bad, and some ways crazy... 

but exciting none the less.  

Introversion, Introspection... and maybe a little Narcism

These words may not all seem positive, but for me, they are the defining words of my summer, a good summer... no, a great summer!  These past 8 weeks have been unlike any other I've had in a long time.  For the first time I've had a true summer break.  I wasn't working, I wasn't looking for a job, and I wasn't recovering from surgery and all that that entails.  I've been deliberate, I've been relaxed and I've been selfish.  And I'm realizing that this is not always a bad thing.  

I love to serve people, it's one of the ways I love them.  I am always available for whatever needs to be done and often I will volunteer myself way past my energy or comfort level in order to love someone else.  In some ways it feeds me but drains me in others.  I love taking the time to make someone elses life easier, but often I forget about myself and my own needs in the process.  This summer I have taken a break from serving.  At first it was weird, but now I'm realizing that slowing down and taking care of yourself is the first step in being able to love others.  

As a "feeler" I'm constantly considering the thoughts and emotions of other people.  I always wonder about their hearts and their minds and how they are doing.  When I'm with people I know, I'm constantly taking the emotional temperature of the room and looking for ways to help others and to improve the mood if possible.  Again this activity is always for the sake of others and usually at the expense of my own self.  This summer I have removed myself from most of these situations.  

I am loyal.  If I love someone I will stand by their side no matter where they go.  I will walk with my people through dark times, being whatever they need, giving whatever they need, and spending myself for the sake of them.  This summer has been different.  Although I've still been this person, I've removed myself from a lot of unnecessary situations.  I've reserved my "darkness walks" for those select few, those whom I love and care for so deeply that to not be with them would be far worse than any darkness we would encounter together.  And in return I've come to realize that these people will and have done the same for me.  I've noticed, maybe for the first time, that I have also had people by my side this summer.  People who love me and will stick with me through anything.  People who have reminded me that taking care of myself is the first step in caring for others.  I've learned that these people are exempt from my introvertedness.  Being around them takes no energy.  It is a gift :)

I love sleeping.  This activity usually gets pushed to the side for the sake of other things during the year, but this summer I have slept (almost 8 hours each night!)  But I've also been very content with not oversleeping.  In the past I've exhausted myself to the point that when sleep comes, I stay that way for far too long.  I've also been known for sleeping a lot during the day as well.  Although I may have needed the sleep at first it often turns into a habit that causes me to feel as if I'm missing the life I was given.  Not this summer.  Aside from a few cat naps here and there I've been awake, experiencing life.

I've written lots of words this summer and it has been fantastic.  I've forgotten how much I love to write and I'm starting to realize that some of my words are very powerful.  This activity has helped me to process my own thoughts and has given me an outlet for stress and sadness.  It has helped me to look at the future through positive eyes and to realize that there is a great life out there waiting for me and all I have to do it live it.  

This summer I slept when I was tired, I ate when I was hungry (which is surprisingly less than I would have thought,) I cried when I was sad, I went on adventures, I took part in surprises, I loved my few select people and was loved back in return.  I've taken the time to admire beauty in the world.  I've learned that if I look up from my busy life every once in awhile there is beauty all around that is just waiting to be seen.  

If you asked me a year ago if waking up at 3:30am to drive to the beach for the sunrise sounded like a good idea I would have laughed at you.  But now I have learned that that is one of the greatest times ever to stand with your toes in the water, just looking out at the horizon.  (I definitely prefer it to any other time of day on the beach during the summer!)  

Next week I go back to work.  In some ways I'm looking forward to the routine again.  I love structure, it brings me peace.  But I'm also hopeful that some of my summer lessons will follow me into the school year.  I want to take better care of myself so that I have more to give to others.  I want to find a balance.  I want to be more relaxed, less stressed and more productive.  I want to spend more time with the people I love.  I want to go on more adventures.  I want to try new things.  (and maybe even eat some vegetables every once in awhile.)  

Sunset over the reservior

Early morning beach times

The great surprise!

Ocean adventures 

wedding attire

bringing out our inner child

Camping

Plane rides 

The best road sign EVER!!!!!

words...

words

So it's been awhile since I've written.  It's not that I haven't had time to write or things to say, just the inability to sit down and think long enough to compose something worth reading.  Please humor me during this attempt.

These past few weeks I've been thinking about my soul and the things that feed it.  I've been thinking about the things in this crazy world that cause my heart to let out a sigh of relief and let in the fuel that gives me energy to keep going.  You'd think this would be easy to determine, but for me it wasn't.

I believe there's a difference between something that makes you happy, and something that feeds you.  Something that leaves you better in the end than you were in the beginning, something that fills you up to overflowing and gives you a high, a joy that no other artificial thing can give you.  Over the course of this journey I've found a few things that do just that.  The best part is now that I've identified them, the joy they bring me has grown because of my gratitude for the outcome.

Live Music.

Live music feeds me.  It gets into parts of me that nothing else can.  It can awaken all of my emotions at once and leave me feeling as thought I've just spent thousands of dollars on therapy, but didn't have to say a word.

Large Bodies of Water.

It doesn't matter what kind; the ocean, a lake, a pond, stream, or river... they are all fantastic.  Not only are they beautiful but they demonstrate a power bigger than my self and provide a soundtrack for my thoughts that is so organic and yet completely accurate.

Open Sky.

Growing up in Delaware county there is not much open sky.  If you love trees you are in the right place, but large areas of open sky are hard to come by.  It makes me appreciate them all the more when I find them.  Coming out of a heavily canopied area and stepping into the largeness of open sky blows my mind every time.  (This would explain my overwhelming obsession with the reservoir, open sky + large body of water = very happy Marti!)

Freshly Hatched Babies.

Yes, you have read that correctly.  I love babies, but I especially love the newborns.  They make me burst with joy.  The happiness that comes from holding these tiny little humans can not be compared to anything.  It is like medicine for my body and my soul.  It is always a great day when a baby is born and can pull me from any mood I'm in.

People.

Loving people and sharing in their lives feeds me.  I don't think there's any greater privilege in this world then getting to come along side someone and get a front row seat to their life; their pain, their joy, their struggles and their triumphs.  I think the fact that people love and trust me enough to be that person in their lives has a much greater impact on me then they themselves.

Words.

Lately writings, thoughts and quotes have been an ever growing love in my life.  Some of them are my own but often they are from others, people with more intelligence and a better understanding of life then myself.  These words can in one small sentence hit a place in my heart that I thought was inaccessible and make me let out a (usually audible) "hmmmm."  They help me to ponder things that I would otherwise not think about or brush aside without a second thought.  It's amazing how a few sentences can explain something, encourage you, pinpoint your weaknesses, build up your strengths, or hit a spot that you didn't even know existed.  It's powerful, overwhelming, and utterly fantastic all at the same time.

Here are some of my favorite words...

Calloused

I have callouses on my fingers.  

They are great!  

As a guitarist (yes, I'm using that word to describe myself) these things have made my life much easier.  They are there for a reason.  To keep me from pain.  It took time to grow them and without regularly playing, they start to wear away and I must work to build them up again.  Otherwise playing feels more like repeatedly cutting my fingers with tiny razors blades.  These callouses have allowed me to work harder and become better at this craft.  

Callouses are a funny thing.

Calloused fingers for guitarists = good.

Calloused hearts = bad... or are they?

Today I realized that my heart is becoming calloused.  I live in a world that is so full of pain.  A world where things don't surprise me as much as they used to.  Don't get me wrong.  When I heard the news about the Boston Marathon my heart was sad.  But it was sad in a different way than usual.  It was heavy, but heavy as thought it's reached it's capacity to feel sad about these kind of things anymore so instead it just felt weighed down by another burden of pain.  

I first heard the news via facebook from a friend who's sister was running.  The stages of grief are real no matter how fast they happen.  For a split second I was confused, then I read the news and thought "That can't be.  That has to be a mistake."  Soon it was confirmed.  Then I was angry.  "Who would do that!?!"  Which was immediately followed by "Are my friends in Boston OK?"  I quickly texted them. They responded.  I was relieved.  But what happened next was surprising to me.  I simply went on with my day.  Heavy hearted and saddened, but not as I should have been.  It had this unfamiliar feeling of 'Another tragedy in another city where people I love live but are OK.'  

How have I become this?  

How has the world around me become so dark and filled with evil that in the midst of it I'm able to simply go on?  And how have I let myself become calloused to these things?  It's not that I don't care, I care deeply, but I've lost the ability for my brain to connect to my heart in these instances.  Maybe it's God's way of protecting me.  Protecting me from the amount of pain I would feel if it were not for these callouses.  

I believe that there is a difference between a calloused heart and a hard heart.  Is a calloused heart a good thing?  Like a guitarists fingers, will it make us better?  Will it allow us to push deeper into things that were once too painful to endure.  Contrary to my statement about calloused hearts at the beginning of this post, I believe so.  

My prayer now: God don't let my calloused heart turn into a hard heart.  Use the callouses for good.  

The Art of Sitting

I've been working away from home this week.  It's PSSA season and that means going to a site and proctoring exams all day.  Although I'm really enjoying it, it's exhausting (the 2 hour earlier wake ups each morning aren't helping either.)  Today's day ended and I knew if I went home I would fall asleep until some time this evening, wake up, and then be awake for most of the night.

NOT GOOD!

Instead I went to Burlap and Bean.  

B&B is my Central Perk.  No matter what, some of my friends are always there (mainly because a lot of my friends are employees.)  These familiar faces brighten my day.  Today was no exception.  I was greeted by one of my favorite people with a great big smile and our usual extremely awkward handshake.  A nice conversation was had.  I bought my usual, a Marble Mocha (small, regular milk, decaf, with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle!)  

Then I sat.  

B&B is one of the few places where I just sit.  At home sitting usually involves watching TV while surfing the Internet and playing on my phone at the same time while thinking about work that I could and probably should be doing.  At home I am distracted by so many things.  B&B is my escape from my 'To Do:' list and my place to relax.  There is freedom there from all the things I should do at home, freedom from being anywhere, freedom from the pressure to act a certain way, freedom to just simply be.  And that is what I did today.  

Next to me in one of the comfy chairs was a woman on her lap top.  She was simply sitting surfing the web while drinking her coffee.  About 30 minutes after I sat down I heard a noise and turned to realize that the entire time a baby (maybe 5 months old) was sitting in her lap.  He was wide awake, looking around and taking in the sights.  I was in awe of this.  This woman who was relaxing, enjoying her afternoon while still spending quality time with her baby looking truly peaceful.  I'm not sure if you know many moms but peacefull is a word I rarely hear my mom friends use to describe their afternoons.  This peace overwhelmed me.  I felt as though this woman was experiencing one of the greatest secrets of life that is missed by so many.  I was in awe of this.  I consciously thought 'If I ever have children I want to do that.'  I want to make a point to have my relaxing, freedom filled, afternoons no matter what phase of life I'm in.  I also could not stop thinking about the valuable lesson this child could learn from this over the years.  That taking time to stop, to sit, and simply be is valuable and prioritized.  

Across the shop were 2 friends sitting at a table.  Enjoying each others company while drawing pictures and then talking about the pictures they each drew.  Every 20 minutes or so they would stop and discuss, then start other drawings all while listening to an iPod each with one ear bud from the set in.  :)  This made my heart melt.  I'm not sure if it was the whole 'sharing ear buds' thing (which although it contained nothing romantic about it had a very 'Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti' feel to it) or just that they were really enjoying their time.    

Later a friend arrived who looked as though he was having a rough day.  We chatted briefly.  In hindsight I probably should have given him a hug (he looked as though he could have used one) but I'm not good with hugging and it never occurs to me someone might need that.  We had a short conversation but just those few minutes gave me countless hours of prayers that I can now pray for him and on his behalf.  I wonder if I was in another situation would I have noticed him and the heaviness on him.  Would I have been too distracted by my own stuff to notice someone hurting?
  

I stayed till almost closing time.  As I drove home I couldn't help but think about how full I felt (and not just from my mocha: small, marble, regular milk, decaf, with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle!) I felt full of life.  Even in my fatigue I was blessed by the things that I took in and experienced just by sitting and being for an hour and a half this afternoon.  I love times like these.  Sometimes it's in the most minimal things that you feel the biggest impact.  

This afternoon I went to one of my favorite places, I ordered my usual, sat down, and simply was.

I Am A Fighter

I once heard a very wise man say...

"When people don't know what it is that they're supposed to fight for, they fight with each other."  

This statement has become so true in my life this past week.  Not that I'm necessarily a fighter, but I'm a grumbler, a wallower, and a complainer.  So in a way I fight with myself most of the time.  Fight with my mind, my brain, my body, and spend countless hours being irritated with the world around me.   

This week, after a long and rough seven months I was reminded what it is I am made to fight for.  What it is that I am supposed to invest my time in.  That is the joy, the freedom of others.  

On two occasions this week I invested myself in this fight, and what a difference it has made in my own life in return.  I've been happier, more peaceful, lighter, and less angry with the world.  I've been pushed to continue in this way.  I've extended more grace to others and judged less.  I've been joyful.  And none of this was because of anything that I did to myself or worked on to obtain, it was because of what I poured out for others.  What an amazing return on my investment.  I give, and through that giving I receive in return.  

I am a fighter.  

My Brain

Each night I lay out my clothes before I go to bed.  I'm barely coherent in the afternoon, let alone the morning.  This is just one little step I eliminate from my morning in order to save time.  Something that takes me 3 minutes at night could take me 20 in the morning.  

Tonight I went to pick out my clothes.  Let face it, I wear the same three things 99% of the time, it's not that difficult.  But tonight the combination of dirty clothes plus the need for extra warmth during this wintry season made things difficult and I could not decide.  I chose on thing and laid it out, then chose something different and put that out that on top of the first choice, then chose a third thing and piled that on top, (just in case tomorrow morning I decide that one would be better of course.)  

I'm feeling indecisive.  

Now I'm in bed with a huge pile of clothes sitting on my chair awaiting for my morning decision.  That's when it occurred to me...I could have just left my wardrobe in it's drawers and chosen tomorrow, yet somehow in my mind this method makes so much more sense.  

.

.

.

Welcome to my brain...

Please make sure you're seat belts are fastened and your tray tables are in the uprights position...

it's going to be a bumpy ride!

My Foot

If you've seen me recently you might have noticed that I'm currently in a walking cast.

The first question that would typically follow this discovery is "Oh no, what happened!?!"

My response is usually very casually "Oh, I broke my foot."

Which is then almost always followed by "How did you do that!?!"

I hate this questions, mainly because there is no short answer for it and I don't want to give the long version to each person I see.  So, here it is.  

I have a stress fracture in my foot.  Stress fractures are normally caused from overuse (like runners, or sports players.)  The constant stress on the bones and muscles from overuse causes the bone to weaken and eventually forms a tiny crack.  I know what you're thinking...'I bet Marti's been secretly running all these years without telling anyone!'  I assure you this is not the case.  So what is it?

I have a muscular problem in my leg.  The muscles in the left leg are abnormally tight and overtime have put undue stress on certain parts of my foot.  Last year when I was dealing with an awful case of Plantar Fasciitis, it was due to the tension in my calf and fascia.  After almost a year of Physical Therapy and stretching the problem got better.  My Doctor thinks the amount of stretching I had to do last year affected the bones in my foot.  Muscles are attached to bones so when you stretch muscles, the bones feel it.  He thinks that with my foot/leg already having some other issues, that the stress put on the bones from stretching cause them to weaken and now break.  

I asked him how long a stress fracture normally takes to heal in a normal person.  This was his exact response... "in a normal person I wold expect it to heal in 6 to 8 week...but you're not normal."

I could be in this boot for awhile.  No need to ask me how it feels, it's doesn't really hurt at all.  It's just annoying.  I'm trying to ignore it.  Feel free to do so as well.  

Children

So my mind is currently spinning and I can't stop thinking about my evening so I have to get it out of my head.  Thank you for being my outlet.

It's not often that I have children in my house.  In fact it's probably only been a handful of times that I've had the opportunity for kids to come over.  It's not that I don't like kids, (if you know me you know that statement is so far from who I really am it's laughable.)  It's more that I don't have people over.  I have entertaining anxiety.  If a roommate invites people over it's fine, it's on them.  But for me, I spend the entire time wondering if they're enjoying themselves or if they're counting the minutes until they can get out of crazy town.

Tonight I had an entire family over to my house.  It was sort of an impromptu get together because of some things I needed help getting done but none the less all 5 of them descended upon my humble abode.  I was nervous as I always am...but the joy of children in a home changes things.  It was so fun, and fascinating.  The things that kids can find joy in just astounds me.  My window candles from Christmas that I took out of the windows but have yet to put away.  Battery operated tea lights.  The few children's books that I keep on my shelf, and of course... Henry (the cat.)  He provided hours of entertainment for these tiny humans.  Activities that Vanessa and I usually only do for a few minutes to shut him up, they were entertained by for hours.  It was so fun to watch their excitement with things that I take for granted every day.

Some day I hope to have children of my own occupying my house and I'm sure then these little moments of fascination will become clouded by tasks like laundry, making dinner, bath time, breaking up fights, etc., but for today... it was pure joy.

Welfare and iPhones

So this has been weighing on me recently and I realized that I have an outlet for this sort of thing and today I'm exercising my right to use it!

Please forgive me while I rant.

Recently I've been seeing some things on the Internet and I would like to discuss them.   

These things hurt my heart.  They hurt my heart a lot. 

I understand that their is a lot of political tension revolving around the department of public welfare and that people are very passionate about their political points of view.  I am not saying that your view's are wrong.  But I do think these type of Internet posts are hurtful.

I know this because they are hurtful to me.

I am currently on medical assistance, one branch of the department of public welfare.  

I also have an iPhone.

I left my job due to personal reasons and I have been looking for another job.  In the mean time got sick and was hospitalized and had surgery.  Within the week that I was sick I acquired hundreds and thousands of medical bills that I could not pay.  I was not on Cobra at the time because it was way to expensive and I could not afford it.  I went on medical assistance this summer and I have been so thankful that a service like this exists.  

I know that some people would say "you're circumstance is different, you really needed it, you're not abusing the system."  The problem is, how well do we really know the situation of people that we happen to see at the grocery store with their food stamps and their iPhone.  We don't.  I also would currently qualify for food stamps.  I'm not getting them in part because of people who are helping me as well as a small amount of money I have coming in from a part time job.  But I could be that person, the person who is judged by others.  

The iPhone that I have was a family gift.  After a long a difficult chapter in our lives was finished we all got iPhones.  I don't feel that it's any one's business but the prove my point I will say that the monthly payments are a part of that gift that I am so grateful for.  

Another thing to consider with this is the need for telephone and Internet service today.  The access to Internet service is very helpful when going through the process of applying for welfare.  I have some friends who have iPhones and use them for everything.  They do not have cable, they use their phones to stream shows to watch.  They do not have a phone line, they use their iPhone.  They do not have Internet in their home.  They use their phone.  What if the person being judged has made the conscious decision to use their phone instead of other amenities in their home?  I, like many people I know do not have cable or a telephone line in my house.  

Another thing I've heard people do is criticism people who have a satellite dish on their section 8 house.  For one thing, having the dish doesn't mean they have cable.  I have a dish on my house. I do not have cable.  The dish was their from the people who lived here before me.  The Dish Network leaves those dishes on the home in case someone who lives there in the future wants Satellite cable.  It saves them from having to install another dish and line in the home.  

People on welfare are not lazy!  I can attest to this personally!  The application process that one must go through to get welfare is so large and complicated that this college educated woman had a hard time going through it.  In some ways I could see it as a system designed for the lazy to just quit because it is so complicated and only the ones who really need it would see it through to the end.  If I didn't really need it I never would have gone through all of that. 

One other thing I've heard people say is "we don't need a welfare system because we have God/the Church and they can provide everything we need."  I would just like to say that I was away at a conference when I got sick.  I was with one of my churches most gifted people who has had so much experience in praying for people and seeing them healed.  I was prayed for.  I was not healed.  I came home and had surgery 3 days later.  I don't know of any person or church that had enough extra money t pay these bills for me.  To me this does not mean that God does not exist or that he didn't want to heal me.  It did not change my faith, but it opened my eyes to the fact that God did provide for me.  He got me home safely, gave me doctors who could take care of me, he gave me medical attention that made me well, he gave me a way to minimize my bills to a number I could afford.  I was provided for.  Part of that provision came from the department of public welfare and for that I am extremely grateful.  

Finally now that I am in "the system" I can also see how easily people can get stuck here.  It is an overwhelming place to be.  I can see how easy it might be for someone to begin to rely on the system.  That might not be the best thing for them to do but it is not my job to judge them for it.  My job is to love them and support them and encourage them.  Being on medical assistance has been difficult for me.  If I get a job that does not provide benefits I could lose my assistance.  This is scary to me.  I would rather stay unemployed until I find a job with benefits because of this.  Being without benefits again could mean another hospitalization which would cost money that I DO NOT have.  

There's an old saying "Don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes."  How about we don't judge him at all.  

Every week at church we have a box designated for the poor that people can put money in. I've never herd of anyone putting money in that box and then wanting to following it to the person who receives it making sure they spend it the way they see fit.  Freely they have received so freely they give.  Yet for some reason we as people feel we have a right to judge others if we think they are making bad decisions, even if we don't know the story behind their situation.  

I apologize for the rant, all that to say, if you judge someone in the food store with food stamps and and iPhone, you're judging me...and that stings a bit.   

I haven't forgotten about you...

I know, it's been way to long since my last post.  

Why, you ask?

Well I've fallen into some bad habits.  I've been lazy.  I've been grumpy.  At times I've been depressed. I've been weary.  And I've been sick of answering the same old questions over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

Today I've been in the house all day.  ALL day.  I am not one to do this.  In fact the only times I've ever done this are when I've been sick.  Even then it takes a major illness to ground me.  But not today. Today and Hurricane kept me on lock down.  

I have to be honest.  I've been disappointed thus far.  I love extreme weather.  I love the preparation, the drama, the excitement of what's going to happen, the common thing that you can talk with strangers about in the store even though you would otherwise NEVER talk to them.  Whether your excited or dreading it, it builds community in a way that not much else will.  I don't mean any disrespect to those who have been severely effected by this storm.  My heart goes out to those in devastation.  But I love blackouts!  I love the idea of all the power going out and forcing you to shut down for a bit.  To sit and read or knit (or crochet in my case) by candlelight.  I love the calm of a blackout.  The darkness and the silence.  

Today was not silent.  I watched TV... ALL DAY!  

I watched... 

5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy

1 episode of Private Practice

500 Day's of Summer (a movie, not actually 500 episodes of the show "Day's of Summer")

and 3 hours of the news (which basically said 20 minutes of news 10 times.)  

When I was 14 a tornado came through my town and we were without power for almost a week.  It was great.  Sure it came with its issued, problems and inconveniences, but we treated it as an adventure and enjoyed the fun of doing something different.  I was hoping for that today.  Hoping for an exciting change, if only for a few hours, that forced me to slow down, be quiet and enjoy the silence.  

I acknowledge that I may be speaking too soon.  The power may still go out tonight, into tomorrow.  If that happens, I will be happy.  Not that I love destruction and mayhem, but I do enjoy when life forces you to slow down and enjoy the unusual for a bit.  So for now, I am a bit disappointed.  

Fall

In addition to my usual sweat pants and t-shirt, I'm wearing socks and a sweater.  

It's 70 degrees in my house.  

Fall has started...

and I am soooooo ready!!!!

I love fall!!!  for so many reasons.  Let me list them.

-it's cooler

-the scorching heat of summer is over

-fall colors are the best!

-pumpkins

-mums!

-apples

-Thanksgiving!

-trees are beautiful!

-fire pits

-hoodies/sweaters

-boots

Aside from the Christmas season (which is genetically implanted into me to love with everything I am) this is my absolute favorite time of year!  

Just thought I'd share.  :)

Music

Things in my life are not as I would have hoped they would be at this point.  Many things.  Recently I've been fighting the "why me" attitude that is really just a trap into a downward spiral.  It is difficult during these times to keep my heart from getting hard, calloused by the many things that seem to be going wrong, and stay positive.

The one thing that keeps my heart soft?
Music.
It gets to me like nothing else can.
It reaches a place where even my moods can't go and brightens my soul during even those darkest times.
To me music is a living, breathing creature.
It is a constant.

Tonight I was listening to a song with the most beautiful cello.  At one point it came through so magnificently that tears came to my eyes and as it continued it was almost as if those notes were a vessel for my own release of emotion.  Never wanting or expecting a certain reaction, it was exactly what I needed it to be.  I played this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes.  It was beautiful, it was therapeutic, and it was taking me to a place where my heart was soft.  If only for those minutes I was able to feel joy simultaneously with pain, lightness along with a heavy heart, peace in the midst of uncertainty, and relaxation along side of tension.  A reminder that not everything is wrong, that some things are exactly as they should be, that some things will not fail me.

Over the course of my (soon to be) 33 years I have found very few people who have shared this understanding of music.  I consider these people true gems in my life.  Their understanding of this ability to be changed by simply a sound creates a brotherhood.  It reminds me of the hope this worlds surely has to offer if we just open ourselves up enough to experience it.

Job Search

So this summer (when I wasn't recovering from surgery or desperately trying to figure out my current health insurance situation) I've been looking for a new job.  I left a job at the end of the school year feeling confident that it was not the place for me to go back to in the fall.  I still feel that way.  But September is here and I have yet to find a new job.

Due to the fact that I felt and still feel that God's desire for me was to have a different job, one that does not suck out all of my energy, I don't see my current situation as a "take any job you can get to pay the bills" kind of thing.  I have faith that because I left my old job that an even better one is waiting for me.

Throughout the entire summer I have dreaded going back to work.  Each job I have come across has produced the same feeling... 'well I guess that could work' but still felt like it would be a place I went to make money and would look forward each day to the time I would get to leave.

This week I came across a job.  A job that I feel like I was made for.  All the dread and anxiety about drudging through life doing something just to get by vanished and I became excited about the prospect of going to this place every day.  A job that combines my degree with another area of my life that I have experience and knowledge in.  I spent an entire day dreaming about what it would be like to work at this place and how I would feel being there, serving people each day.

This job has a lot of unanswered questions.  The main one... how much would I be working?  It's currently listed as a per diem position (2 words that can instill a sense of fear and anxiety in anyone looking for a job.)  That leads to the next big issue... benefits.  My current health benefits situation is not good, I would love a job that will fix that.

Today I applied for this job.  I'm waiting now to see what happens next.  If you're the praying type I would like to ask you to pray for this situation.  If God does not want me here a simple thing will happen.  I won't get it.  But the opposite is a little more tricky.  If I do get offered this job, what do I do?  It could be not enough money, not enough hours, not enough benefits, the list continues.  I'm trying to not look too far ahead and just stay in the present.  The current path I'm on has a light for the next step which was apply.  After that I have no idea what comes.  Prayer would be appreciated.

Faith

Now that I've got your attention...

What is faith?  

Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc
5. a system of religious belief

Normally when one goes to the dictionary to find meaning the first definition is the one that provides the answer.  But not in this case.

For me, today, faith is defined as commitment.  

Let me explain.  

I know God.  I've known him for years.  We've been through quite a lot together, good and bad.  I've seen enough that I don't think it would ever be possible to deny him.  To convince myself that he does not exist is inconceivable. I have faith (definition #3.)  I attempt to live my life in a way that pleases him.  I have faith (definition #4.)  I spend countless hours of my life, within the walls of one of his churches pouring myself out for his sake.  I have faith (definition #5.)  I believe in something that can not been seen with merely our eyes, but with our hearts. I do not have the ability to convince others of this existence with physical proof that can not be argued against, and yet based on my own personal experiences I still believe.  I have faith (definition #2.)

That leaves definition #1: confidence or trust in a person or thing.  The last few months have been rough for me.  Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.  I have been through more than I felt I would be able to handle at times and yet here I am.  Struck down but not destroyed.  My confidence in God is shaky at best some days.  I acknowledge that my situations could be much much worse, but that doesn't make the reality of my current life any better.  I'm weary, angry, hurt and wounded.  

I have recently been comparing my relationship to God with that of a marriage gone sour.  It's rocky, not fun, difficult and painful.  I see the satisfaction in throwing in the towel, walking away and moving on (although I have no idea how that would work.)  Some days I want to give up.  Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs till the blood rushes to my face and I see red.  Some days I want to cry.  Some days I wan to warn others of the harsh reality of a life of faith.  So why don't I?  One word...

Commitment

Today my faith is defined by commitment.  I'm committed to trusting even when I don't understand.  My trust may be small almost to the point of nonexistent at times, but it is there.  Trust that God can still heal, trust that God will still provide, trust that the work God began he will see through to completion (definition #1.)

Faith

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

I'm sure people are curious about the last week of my life.  Here is the short version.

(times may not be accurate due to extreme pain medication!)

July 9, 9:00 am 

Depart for road trip.  drove to Niagara Falls.  The drive was beautiful!

July 10, 9:00 am 

Spend day at the falls.  Also beautiful!

July 10, 3:00 pm 

Leave falls and drive to Syracuse NY for Vineyard Regional Conference.

July 11, 9:00 am 

Attend conference.  Experience pain in my side on and off throughout the day that feels too similar to kidney stone pain.  

July 12, 1:00 am 

Pain gets much worse and I decide (against the wishes of my friends) to drive home through the night to be back with my doctors/hospital in PA.

July 12, 8:00 am 

Arrive home, sleep for a bit

July 12, 1:00 pm 

Wake in excruciating pain, go to ER.  Confirm Kidney Stones.  

July 12, 5:00 pm 

Discharged from hospital.  Sent home with pain meds and anti nausea meds.  

July 13, 3:00 pm 

In terrible pain and can not keep pain medication down

July 13, 7:00 pm 

Back to hospital.  Bypass ER and get directly admitted to Hospital for "failure to discharge" Place on IV pain meds.  Work like a charm!

July 14, 8:00 am 

Doctor come in a decides to do surgery based on my past history with not passing stones on my own.  

July 14, 10:00 am 

Surgery.  No more stones.  Stent placed to help with recovery.

July 14, 8:00 pm 

Discharged from hospital 

July 15, 1:00 am 

Terrible pain.

July 15, 2:00 pm 

Call doctor.  Pain is almost worse then before surgery.  He tells me to take pain meds and if it gets worse go back to the ER.

July 16, 3:00 am 

Return to ER. Back on IV pain meds.  CT scan to make sure Stent is still in place and no more stones moving through.  

July 16, 8:00 am 

Discharged from ER AGAIN with new pain meds (hopefully will stay down) new anti nausea meds.

July 16, 7:00 pm 

Successfully sitting on couch, drugged up on pain meds without puking.  Only one more week of this and then I'll be stent free and in the clear.  

There's something about 2 am

I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about this time.  If I stay up this late (which I've been doing far to often recently) it seems that my deepest thinking starts at 2 am.  Maybe it's the quiet, maybe it's the fatigue, but something about it gets me.

Tonight I'm thinking about a friend.  Someone I love.  Someone who's hurting.

I'm also thinking about some music I heard earlier.  Music that fed my soul.  Music that blessed my soul.  And also some music that ripped open my soul.

The key word here is soul.  Music is not a surface thing for me.  It's something that goes to the deepest parts of me and my past.  My mother once told me that when I was younger she could tell what kind of mood I was in by the way I played the piano when I came home.  Piano was my instrument of choice as a child and into my teen years I could and would play for hours on end.

Tonight my head is racing.  The kind of night where no matter how tired you are, you can't slow it down to sleep.  There are happy thoughts, sad thoughts, serious thoughts, funny thoughts, uplifting thoughts and heartbreaking thoughts all racing through like a runaway freight train.  How do I put this on hold?  It's not that I want to stop it all together.  I truly believe that the ability to feel all of these things at once is a gift.  I would just like to calm these white water rapids to a trickle for the evening.

So I did something I haven't done in years.  I went upstairs, sat down at the piano, and played.  I played and I thought and I play and I relaxed and I played and I listened and I played and I played and I played until the rapids were gone and the water was calm.  It was wonderful.

(we'll see if my roommate agrees in the morning.)

Provisions: Take 2

My dear friend Addy (5 years old) said something a few months ago that has impacted so much of the way I think these days.  Her mother asked her what she would do if she were starving and all she had was a bowl full of stink bugs.  
Her response: "I would pray to God and ask him to give me everything that He thinks I need."

So recently I posted about being provided for: having the things I need while also having the ability to still enjoy life and have fun without having to pinch every single penny.

And so this saga continues.

A few months ago I registered for a conference in Syracuse that takes place next week.  It's something that I've been looking forward to and also something that will be beneficial for me.  I registered without giving it much thought.  I think it is important and so I signed up and paid the fee.  At the time I didn't have a place to stay and the hotel accommodations were a little pricey but I was not worried.  A few weeks later a friend offered for me to stay with her in her room, thus cutting the cost in half.  Score!

At the time I registered it's not that I had the money for this trip set aside but I didn't care.  I new I should go and so I was going, somehow it would all work out.

As it has gotten closer and closer to next week there has been a longing in my heart.  I have wanted to visit Niagara Falls for years.  I was there as a child and have always wanted to go back.  Next week I will be only 2 short hours from this destination.  How could I pass up this opportunity?  I thought about it for several weeks.  Each time thinking things like "I can't afford to go," "This is a waste of money," "How would I pay for it."  Finally I decided that it is unknown when an opportunity like this will come up again and so I booked a room in Niagara Falls.  It's only one night, but that's enough.  I'm not very high maintenance when it comes to travel.  A nice view to read and play music to for awhile and something powerfully beautiful to feed my soul is all I need.

I booked the room to my credit card.  (I think I just heard all my financially stable friends groan a bit.)  I believe that if this is something I'm supposed to do that the money will come.

Today it did!

I received an anonymous gift today that will cover most of my expenses, not just for Niagara, but for the entire week!  This was a huge gift for me and also a confirmation that all of the decisions I have made up to this point were correct.  

Some people would take on the attitude of 'boy she got lucky with that one' but as for me, I'm only more excited about what other adventures I will get to experience by trusting God to provide for me, not just what I want or think I need, but what He thinks I need.