Things in my life are not as I would have hoped they would be at this point. Many things. Recently I've been fighting the "why me" attitude that is really just a trap into a downward spiral. It is difficult during these times to keep my heart from getting hard, calloused by the many things that seem to be going wrong, and stay positive.
The one thing that keeps my heart soft?
Music.
It gets to me like nothing else can.
It reaches a place where even my moods can't go and brightens my soul during even those darkest times.
To me music is a living, breathing creature.
It is a constant.
Tonight I was listening to a song with the most beautiful cello. At one point it came through so magnificently that tears came to my eyes and as it continued it was almost as if those notes were a vessel for my own release of emotion. Never wanting or expecting a certain reaction, it was exactly what I needed it to be. I played this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes. It was beautiful, it was therapeutic, and it was taking me to a place where my heart was soft. If only for those minutes I was able to feel joy simultaneously with pain, lightness along with a heavy heart, peace in the midst of uncertainty, and relaxation along side of tension. A reminder that not everything is wrong, that some things are exactly as they should be, that some things will not fail me.
Over the course of my (soon to be) 33 years I have found very few people who have shared this understanding of music. I consider these people true gems in my life. Their understanding of this ability to be changed by simply a sound creates a brotherhood. It reminds me of the hope this worlds surely has to offer if we just open ourselves up enough to experience it.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Job Search
So this summer (when I wasn't recovering from surgery or desperately trying to figure out my current health insurance situation) I've been looking for a new job. I left a job at the end of the school year feeling confident that it was not the place for me to go back to in the fall. I still feel that way. But September is here and I have yet to find a new job.
Due to the fact that I felt and still feel that God's desire for me was to have a different job, one that does not suck out all of my energy, I don't see my current situation as a "take any job you can get to pay the bills" kind of thing. I have faith that because I left my old job that an even better one is waiting for me.
Throughout the entire summer I have dreaded going back to work. Each job I have come across has produced the same feeling... 'well I guess that could work' but still felt like it would be a place I went to make money and would look forward each day to the time I would get to leave.
This week I came across a job. A job that I feel like I was made for. All the dread and anxiety about drudging through life doing something just to get by vanished and I became excited about the prospect of going to this place every day. A job that combines my degree with another area of my life that I have experience and knowledge in. I spent an entire day dreaming about what it would be like to work at this place and how I would feel being there, serving people each day.
This job has a lot of unanswered questions. The main one... how much would I be working? It's currently listed as a per diem position (2 words that can instill a sense of fear and anxiety in anyone looking for a job.) That leads to the next big issue... benefits. My current health benefits situation is not good, I would love a job that will fix that.
Today I applied for this job. I'm waiting now to see what happens next. If you're the praying type I would like to ask you to pray for this situation. If God does not want me here a simple thing will happen. I won't get it. But the opposite is a little more tricky. If I do get offered this job, what do I do? It could be not enough money, not enough hours, not enough benefits, the list continues. I'm trying to not look too far ahead and just stay in the present. The current path I'm on has a light for the next step which was apply. After that I have no idea what comes. Prayer would be appreciated.
Due to the fact that I felt and still feel that God's desire for me was to have a different job, one that does not suck out all of my energy, I don't see my current situation as a "take any job you can get to pay the bills" kind of thing. I have faith that because I left my old job that an even better one is waiting for me.
Throughout the entire summer I have dreaded going back to work. Each job I have come across has produced the same feeling... 'well I guess that could work' but still felt like it would be a place I went to make money and would look forward each day to the time I would get to leave.
This week I came across a job. A job that I feel like I was made for. All the dread and anxiety about drudging through life doing something just to get by vanished and I became excited about the prospect of going to this place every day. A job that combines my degree with another area of my life that I have experience and knowledge in. I spent an entire day dreaming about what it would be like to work at this place and how I would feel being there, serving people each day.
This job has a lot of unanswered questions. The main one... how much would I be working? It's currently listed as a per diem position (2 words that can instill a sense of fear and anxiety in anyone looking for a job.) That leads to the next big issue... benefits. My current health benefits situation is not good, I would love a job that will fix that.
Today I applied for this job. I'm waiting now to see what happens next. If you're the praying type I would like to ask you to pray for this situation. If God does not want me here a simple thing will happen. I won't get it. But the opposite is a little more tricky. If I do get offered this job, what do I do? It could be not enough money, not enough hours, not enough benefits, the list continues. I'm trying to not look too far ahead and just stay in the present. The current path I'm on has a light for the next step which was apply. After that I have no idea what comes. Prayer would be appreciated.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Faith
Now that I've got your attention...
What is faith?
Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc
5. a system of religious belief
Normally when one goes to the dictionary to find meaning the first definition is the one that provides the answer. But not in this case.
For me, today, faith is defined as commitment.
Let me explain.
I know God. I've known him for years. We've been through quite a lot together, good and bad. I've seen enough that I don't think it would ever be possible to deny him. To convince myself that he does not exist is inconceivable. I have faith (definition #3.) I attempt to live my life in a way that pleases him. I have faith (definition #4.) I spend countless hours of my life, within the walls of one of his churches pouring myself out for his sake. I have faith (definition #5.) I believe in something that can not been seen with merely our eyes, but with our hearts. I do not have the ability to convince others of this existence with physical proof that can not be argued against, and yet based on my own personal experiences I still believe. I have faith (definition #2.)
That leaves definition #1: confidence or trust in a person or thing. The last few months have been rough for me. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I have been through more than I felt I would be able to handle at times and yet here I am. Struck down but not destroyed. My confidence in God is shaky at best some days. I acknowledge that my situations could be much much worse, but that doesn't make the reality of my current life any better. I'm weary, angry, hurt and wounded.
I have recently been comparing my relationship to God with that of a marriage gone sour. It's rocky, not fun, difficult and painful. I see the satisfaction in throwing in the towel, walking away and moving on (although I have no idea how that would work.) Some days I want to give up. Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs till the blood rushes to my face and I see red. Some days I want to cry. Some days I wan to warn others of the harsh reality of a life of faith. So why don't I? One word...
Commitment
Today my faith is defined by commitment. I'm committed to trusting even when I don't understand. My trust may be small almost to the point of nonexistent at times, but it is there. Trust that God can still heal, trust that God will still provide, trust that the work God began he will see through to completion (definition #1.)
Faith
What is faith?
Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc
5. a system of religious belief
Normally when one goes to the dictionary to find meaning the first definition is the one that provides the answer. But not in this case.
For me, today, faith is defined as commitment.
Let me explain.
I know God. I've known him for years. We've been through quite a lot together, good and bad. I've seen enough that I don't think it would ever be possible to deny him. To convince myself that he does not exist is inconceivable. I have faith (definition #3.) I attempt to live my life in a way that pleases him. I have faith (definition #4.) I spend countless hours of my life, within the walls of one of his churches pouring myself out for his sake. I have faith (definition #5.) I believe in something that can not been seen with merely our eyes, but with our hearts. I do not have the ability to convince others of this existence with physical proof that can not be argued against, and yet based on my own personal experiences I still believe. I have faith (definition #2.)
That leaves definition #1: confidence or trust in a person or thing. The last few months have been rough for me. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I have been through more than I felt I would be able to handle at times and yet here I am. Struck down but not destroyed. My confidence in God is shaky at best some days. I acknowledge that my situations could be much much worse, but that doesn't make the reality of my current life any better. I'm weary, angry, hurt and wounded.
I have recently been comparing my relationship to God with that of a marriage gone sour. It's rocky, not fun, difficult and painful. I see the satisfaction in throwing in the towel, walking away and moving on (although I have no idea how that would work.) Some days I want to give up. Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs till the blood rushes to my face and I see red. Some days I want to cry. Some days I wan to warn others of the harsh reality of a life of faith. So why don't I? One word...
Commitment
Today my faith is defined by commitment. I'm committed to trusting even when I don't understand. My trust may be small almost to the point of nonexistent at times, but it is there. Trust that God can still heal, trust that God will still provide, trust that the work God began he will see through to completion (definition #1.)
Faith
Monday, July 16, 2012
Inquiring Minds Want To Know
I'm sure people are curious about the last week of my life. Here is the short version.
(times may not be accurate due to extreme pain medication!)
July 9, 9:00 am
Depart for road trip. drove to Niagara Falls. The drive was beautiful!
July 10, 9:00 am
Spend day at the falls. Also beautiful!
July 10, 3:00 pm
Leave falls and drive to Syracuse NY for Vineyard Regional Conference.
July 11, 9:00 am
Attend conference. Experience pain in my side on and off throughout the day that feels too similar to kidney stone pain.
July 12, 1:00 am
Pain gets much worse and I decide (against the wishes of my friends) to drive home through the night to be back with my doctors/hospital in PA.
July 12, 8:00 am
Arrive home, sleep for a bit
July 12, 1:00 pm
Wake in excruciating pain, go to ER. Confirm Kidney Stones.
July 12, 5:00 pm
Discharged from hospital. Sent home with pain meds and anti nausea meds.
July 13, 3:00 pm
In terrible pain and can not keep pain medication down
July 13, 7:00 pm
Back to hospital. Bypass ER and get directly admitted to Hospital for "failure to discharge" Place on IV pain meds. Work like a charm!
July 14, 8:00 am
Doctor come in a decides to do surgery based on my past history with not passing stones on my own.
July 14, 10:00 am
Surgery. No more stones. Stent placed to help with recovery.
July 14, 8:00 pm
Discharged from hospital
July 15, 1:00 am
Terrible pain.
July 15, 2:00 pm
Call doctor. Pain is almost worse then before surgery. He tells me to take pain meds and if it gets worse go back to the ER.
July 16, 3:00 am
Return to ER. Back on IV pain meds. CT scan to make sure Stent is still in place and no more stones moving through.
July 16, 8:00 am
Discharged from ER AGAIN with new pain meds (hopefully will stay down) new anti nausea meds.
July 16, 7:00 pm
Successfully sitting on couch, drugged up on pain meds without puking. Only one more week of this and then I'll be stent free and in the clear.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
There's something about 2 am
I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about this time. If I stay up this late (which I've been doing far to often recently) it seems that my deepest thinking starts at 2 am. Maybe it's the quiet, maybe it's the fatigue, but something about it gets me.
Tonight I'm thinking about a friend. Someone I love. Someone who's hurting.
I'm also thinking about some music I heard earlier. Music that fed my soul. Music that blessed my soul. And also some music that ripped open my soul.
The key word here is soul. Music is not a surface thing for me. It's something that goes to the deepest parts of me and my past. My mother once told me that when I was younger she could tell what kind of mood I was in by the way I played the piano when I came home. Piano was my instrument of choice as a child and into my teen years I could and would play for hours on end.
Tonight my head is racing. The kind of night where no matter how tired you are, you can't slow it down to sleep. There are happy thoughts, sad thoughts, serious thoughts, funny thoughts, uplifting thoughts and heartbreaking thoughts all racing through like a runaway freight train. How do I put this on hold? It's not that I want to stop it all together. I truly believe that the ability to feel all of these things at once is a gift. I would just like to calm these white water rapids to a trickle for the evening.
So I did something I haven't done in years. I went upstairs, sat down at the piano, and played. I played and I thought and I play and I relaxed and I played and I listened and I played and I played and I played until the rapids were gone and the water was calm. It was wonderful.
(we'll see if my roommate agrees in the morning.)
Tonight I'm thinking about a friend. Someone I love. Someone who's hurting.
I'm also thinking about some music I heard earlier. Music that fed my soul. Music that blessed my soul. And also some music that ripped open my soul.
The key word here is soul. Music is not a surface thing for me. It's something that goes to the deepest parts of me and my past. My mother once told me that when I was younger she could tell what kind of mood I was in by the way I played the piano when I came home. Piano was my instrument of choice as a child and into my teen years I could and would play for hours on end.
Tonight my head is racing. The kind of night where no matter how tired you are, you can't slow it down to sleep. There are happy thoughts, sad thoughts, serious thoughts, funny thoughts, uplifting thoughts and heartbreaking thoughts all racing through like a runaway freight train. How do I put this on hold? It's not that I want to stop it all together. I truly believe that the ability to feel all of these things at once is a gift. I would just like to calm these white water rapids to a trickle for the evening.
So I did something I haven't done in years. I went upstairs, sat down at the piano, and played. I played and I thought and I play and I relaxed and I played and I listened and I played and I played and I played until the rapids were gone and the water was calm. It was wonderful.
(we'll see if my roommate agrees in the morning.)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Provisions: Take 2
My dear friend Addy (5 years old) said something a few months ago that has impacted so much of the way I think these days. Her mother asked her what she would do if she were starving and all she had was a bowl full of stink bugs.
Her response: "I would pray to God and ask him to give me everything that He thinks I need."
So recently I posted about being provided for: having the things I need while also having the ability to still enjoy life and have fun without having to pinch every single penny.
And so this saga continues.
A few months ago I registered for a conference in Syracuse that takes place next week. It's something that I've been looking forward to and also something that will be beneficial for me. I registered without giving it much thought. I think it is important and so I signed up and paid the fee. At the time I didn't have a place to stay and the hotel accommodations were a little pricey but I was not worried. A few weeks later a friend offered for me to stay with her in her room, thus cutting the cost in half. Score!
At the time I registered it's not that I had the money for this trip set aside but I didn't care. I new I should go and so I was going, somehow it would all work out.
As it has gotten closer and closer to next week there has been a longing in my heart. I have wanted to visit Niagara Falls for years. I was there as a child and have always wanted to go back. Next week I will be only 2 short hours from this destination. How could I pass up this opportunity? I thought about it for several weeks. Each time thinking things like "I can't afford to go," "This is a waste of money," "How would I pay for it." Finally I decided that it is unknown when an opportunity like this will come up again and so I booked a room in Niagara Falls. It's only one night, but that's enough. I'm not very high maintenance when it comes to travel. A nice view to read and play music to for awhile and something powerfully beautiful to feed my soul is all I need.
I booked the room to my credit card. (I think I just heard all my financially stable friends groan a bit.) I believe that if this is something I'm supposed to do that the money will come.
Today it did!
I received an anonymous gift today that will cover most of my expenses, not just for Niagara, but for the entire week! This was a huge gift for me and also a confirmation that all of the decisions I have made up to this point were correct.
Some people would take on the attitude of 'boy she got lucky with that one' but as for me, I'm only more excited about what other adventures I will get to experience by trusting God to provide for me, not just what I want or think I need, but what He thinks I need.
Her response: "I would pray to God and ask him to give me everything that He thinks I need."
So recently I posted about being provided for: having the things I need while also having the ability to still enjoy life and have fun without having to pinch every single penny.
And so this saga continues.
A few months ago I registered for a conference in Syracuse that takes place next week. It's something that I've been looking forward to and also something that will be beneficial for me. I registered without giving it much thought. I think it is important and so I signed up and paid the fee. At the time I didn't have a place to stay and the hotel accommodations were a little pricey but I was not worried. A few weeks later a friend offered for me to stay with her in her room, thus cutting the cost in half. Score!
At the time I registered it's not that I had the money for this trip set aside but I didn't care. I new I should go and so I was going, somehow it would all work out.
As it has gotten closer and closer to next week there has been a longing in my heart. I have wanted to visit Niagara Falls for years. I was there as a child and have always wanted to go back. Next week I will be only 2 short hours from this destination. How could I pass up this opportunity? I thought about it for several weeks. Each time thinking things like "I can't afford to go," "This is a waste of money," "How would I pay for it." Finally I decided that it is unknown when an opportunity like this will come up again and so I booked a room in Niagara Falls. It's only one night, but that's enough. I'm not very high maintenance when it comes to travel. A nice view to read and play music to for awhile and something powerfully beautiful to feed my soul is all I need.
I booked the room to my credit card. (I think I just heard all my financially stable friends groan a bit.) I believe that if this is something I'm supposed to do that the money will come.
Today it did!
I received an anonymous gift today that will cover most of my expenses, not just for Niagara, but for the entire week! This was a huge gift for me and also a confirmation that all of the decisions I have made up to this point were correct.
Some people would take on the attitude of 'boy she got lucky with that one' but as for me, I'm only more excited about what other adventures I will get to experience by trusting God to provide for me, not just what I want or think I need, but what He thinks I need.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Provisions
Provision: The act or process of providing.
Often when I think of the word provision I think of the basics of life; food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. When I think of myself and what I would consider "provisions" for my current life I would list rent, utilities, food, car, and medical bills.
3 months ago leaving my job and trusting God to provide for me included all of the above. I trusted that God would not leave me hungry and homeless with no transportation while drowning in a sea of medical debt. So far it has worked out, my bills are paid, I'm not starving, and I have not been sick. But the reality of a life where I have enough to just barely get by has been weighing on me. What kind of life will this be. Sure I'll have everything that I absolutely need, but there will be nothing left to actually enjoy life. Nothing left to enjoy my favorite things of life and all that this world has to offer. I then came to this startling realization...
My faith is so small!
Why wouldn't I believe that God will provide an abundant life for me. Why wouldn't I believe that God loves and cares about me enough to let me have fun. Why wouldn't I believe in a God that wants me to splurge every once and awhile for the pure joy and peace that it will provide for my soul. And yet this is how I've been thinking up until recently.
But the more I trust, the more I see how much deeper these "provisions" go. I love coffee, I also love going to my favorite coffee shop and just relaxing. When I have free time during the day I like to spend it there. Recently I seem to have an over abundance of free time. The downfall is that going to Burlap means I spend money on coffee. Money which in my mind will only stretch far enough to ration the basic foods so I won't starve while also paying my bills. But somehow through a variety of circumstances over the past week I have received over $50 in Burlap and Bean gift cards. Gods provision for my favorite spot of relaxation.
I also love music. Many weekend nights I am out at various shows (usually at the above mentioned venue) listing to live music. The problem again arises when I realize that these shows cost money, money with which I am to save for the soon to arrive catastrophe which will of corse come, completely wiping out my bank account. But the realization occurs to me, B&B gif cards can buy show tickets as well.
Twice this week I went, had coffee and read a book without spending any money. Tonight I went to a show, a show that I was very excited about and that blessed my soul more than anything else this entire week. After, one of the artists was selling CD's. I wanted one, but again, a frivolous waste of money that should be saved for my next hospitalization that will cost me thousands of dollars. I could not possibly tap into my bank account for...MUSIC. Except that I was unexpectedly paid for a wedding I played at earlier today. That combined with fantastic friends that will split the cost with me for this purchase, allowed me to spend a few dollars on something that will provide hours on beauty for my ears.
Hmmm... provide.
I can feel my faith growing. Maybe this life of trusting will provide me with more than just sustainability, but also with joy. Next week I'm going away for a conference. I will be 2 hours away from a place that I have wanted to go back and visit for 6 years now. And so without weighing my vast amount of cons of spending money on a room, I have decided that I will be spending 2 days in Canada. 2 days of relaxing, reading book, and playing guitar with nothing but the amazing water falls of Niagara as my companion. It is a splurge, but one that can't be passed up. When is the next time that I will be only 2 hours from this place? When is the next time that I will have time to do this? And so I will go, trusting that this money I've spent is not a waste, but another way God is allowing me to enjoy the amazing things that he has created and provided for me.
The story of my current state with Health Insurance is still being written and as of today I have no idea how it will end. One thing I do know, if God cares enough to provide and night of joy filled with music and friends, he will take care of the bigger things too.
Often when I think of the word provision I think of the basics of life; food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. When I think of myself and what I would consider "provisions" for my current life I would list rent, utilities, food, car, and medical bills.
3 months ago leaving my job and trusting God to provide for me included all of the above. I trusted that God would not leave me hungry and homeless with no transportation while drowning in a sea of medical debt. So far it has worked out, my bills are paid, I'm not starving, and I have not been sick. But the reality of a life where I have enough to just barely get by has been weighing on me. What kind of life will this be. Sure I'll have everything that I absolutely need, but there will be nothing left to actually enjoy life. Nothing left to enjoy my favorite things of life and all that this world has to offer. I then came to this startling realization...
My faith is so small!
Why wouldn't I believe that God will provide an abundant life for me. Why wouldn't I believe that God loves and cares about me enough to let me have fun. Why wouldn't I believe in a God that wants me to splurge every once and awhile for the pure joy and peace that it will provide for my soul. And yet this is how I've been thinking up until recently.
But the more I trust, the more I see how much deeper these "provisions" go. I love coffee, I also love going to my favorite coffee shop and just relaxing. When I have free time during the day I like to spend it there. Recently I seem to have an over abundance of free time. The downfall is that going to Burlap means I spend money on coffee. Money which in my mind will only stretch far enough to ration the basic foods so I won't starve while also paying my bills. But somehow through a variety of circumstances over the past week I have received over $50 in Burlap and Bean gift cards. Gods provision for my favorite spot of relaxation.
I also love music. Many weekend nights I am out at various shows (usually at the above mentioned venue) listing to live music. The problem again arises when I realize that these shows cost money, money with which I am to save for the soon to arrive catastrophe which will of corse come, completely wiping out my bank account. But the realization occurs to me, B&B gif cards can buy show tickets as well.
Twice this week I went, had coffee and read a book without spending any money. Tonight I went to a show, a show that I was very excited about and that blessed my soul more than anything else this entire week. After, one of the artists was selling CD's. I wanted one, but again, a frivolous waste of money that should be saved for my next hospitalization that will cost me thousands of dollars. I could not possibly tap into my bank account for...MUSIC. Except that I was unexpectedly paid for a wedding I played at earlier today. That combined with fantastic friends that will split the cost with me for this purchase, allowed me to spend a few dollars on something that will provide hours on beauty for my ears.
Hmmm... provide.
I can feel my faith growing. Maybe this life of trusting will provide me with more than just sustainability, but also with joy. Next week I'm going away for a conference. I will be 2 hours away from a place that I have wanted to go back and visit for 6 years now. And so without weighing my vast amount of cons of spending money on a room, I have decided that I will be spending 2 days in Canada. 2 days of relaxing, reading book, and playing guitar with nothing but the amazing water falls of Niagara as my companion. It is a splurge, but one that can't be passed up. When is the next time that I will be only 2 hours from this place? When is the next time that I will have time to do this? And so I will go, trusting that this money I've spent is not a waste, but another way God is allowing me to enjoy the amazing things that he has created and provided for me.
The story of my current state with Health Insurance is still being written and as of today I have no idea how it will end. One thing I do know, if God cares enough to provide and night of joy filled with music and friends, he will take care of the bigger things too.
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