Children

So my mind is currently spinning and I can't stop thinking about my evening so I have to get it out of my head.  Thank you for being my outlet.

It's not often that I have children in my house.  In fact it's probably only been a handful of times that I've had the opportunity for kids to come over.  It's not that I don't like kids, (if you know me you know that statement is so far from who I really am it's laughable.)  It's more that I don't have people over.  I have entertaining anxiety.  If a roommate invites people over it's fine, it's on them.  But for me, I spend the entire time wondering if they're enjoying themselves or if they're counting the minutes until they can get out of crazy town.

Tonight I had an entire family over to my house.  It was sort of an impromptu get together because of some things I needed help getting done but none the less all 5 of them descended upon my humble abode.  I was nervous as I always am...but the joy of children in a home changes things.  It was so fun, and fascinating.  The things that kids can find joy in just astounds me.  My window candles from Christmas that I took out of the windows but have yet to put away.  Battery operated tea lights.  The few children's books that I keep on my shelf, and of course... Henry (the cat.)  He provided hours of entertainment for these tiny humans.  Activities that Vanessa and I usually only do for a few minutes to shut him up, they were entertained by for hours.  It was so fun to watch their excitement with things that I take for granted every day.

Some day I hope to have children of my own occupying my house and I'm sure then these little moments of fascination will become clouded by tasks like laundry, making dinner, bath time, breaking up fights, etc., but for today... it was pure joy.

Welfare and iPhones

So this has been weighing on me recently and I realized that I have an outlet for this sort of thing and today I'm exercising my right to use it!

Please forgive me while I rant.

Recently I've been seeing some things on the Internet and I would like to discuss them.   

These things hurt my heart.  They hurt my heart a lot. 

I understand that their is a lot of political tension revolving around the department of public welfare and that people are very passionate about their political points of view.  I am not saying that your view's are wrong.  But I do think these type of Internet posts are hurtful.

I know this because they are hurtful to me.

I am currently on medical assistance, one branch of the department of public welfare.  

I also have an iPhone.

I left my job due to personal reasons and I have been looking for another job.  In the mean time got sick and was hospitalized and had surgery.  Within the week that I was sick I acquired hundreds and thousands of medical bills that I could not pay.  I was not on Cobra at the time because it was way to expensive and I could not afford it.  I went on medical assistance this summer and I have been so thankful that a service like this exists.  

I know that some people would say "you're circumstance is different, you really needed it, you're not abusing the system."  The problem is, how well do we really know the situation of people that we happen to see at the grocery store with their food stamps and their iPhone.  We don't.  I also would currently qualify for food stamps.  I'm not getting them in part because of people who are helping me as well as a small amount of money I have coming in from a part time job.  But I could be that person, the person who is judged by others.  

The iPhone that I have was a family gift.  After a long a difficult chapter in our lives was finished we all got iPhones.  I don't feel that it's any one's business but the prove my point I will say that the monthly payments are a part of that gift that I am so grateful for.  

Another thing to consider with this is the need for telephone and Internet service today.  The access to Internet service is very helpful when going through the process of applying for welfare.  I have some friends who have iPhones and use them for everything.  They do not have cable, they use their phones to stream shows to watch.  They do not have a phone line, they use their iPhone.  They do not have Internet in their home.  They use their phone.  What if the person being judged has made the conscious decision to use their phone instead of other amenities in their home?  I, like many people I know do not have cable or a telephone line in my house.  

Another thing I've heard people do is criticism people who have a satellite dish on their section 8 house.  For one thing, having the dish doesn't mean they have cable.  I have a dish on my house. I do not have cable.  The dish was their from the people who lived here before me.  The Dish Network leaves those dishes on the home in case someone who lives there in the future wants Satellite cable.  It saves them from having to install another dish and line in the home.  

People on welfare are not lazy!  I can attest to this personally!  The application process that one must go through to get welfare is so large and complicated that this college educated woman had a hard time going through it.  In some ways I could see it as a system designed for the lazy to just quit because it is so complicated and only the ones who really need it would see it through to the end.  If I didn't really need it I never would have gone through all of that. 

One other thing I've heard people say is "we don't need a welfare system because we have God/the Church and they can provide everything we need."  I would just like to say that I was away at a conference when I got sick.  I was with one of my churches most gifted people who has had so much experience in praying for people and seeing them healed.  I was prayed for.  I was not healed.  I came home and had surgery 3 days later.  I don't know of any person or church that had enough extra money t pay these bills for me.  To me this does not mean that God does not exist or that he didn't want to heal me.  It did not change my faith, but it opened my eyes to the fact that God did provide for me.  He got me home safely, gave me doctors who could take care of me, he gave me medical attention that made me well, he gave me a way to minimize my bills to a number I could afford.  I was provided for.  Part of that provision came from the department of public welfare and for that I am extremely grateful.  

Finally now that I am in "the system" I can also see how easily people can get stuck here.  It is an overwhelming place to be.  I can see how easy it might be for someone to begin to rely on the system.  That might not be the best thing for them to do but it is not my job to judge them for it.  My job is to love them and support them and encourage them.  Being on medical assistance has been difficult for me.  If I get a job that does not provide benefits I could lose my assistance.  This is scary to me.  I would rather stay unemployed until I find a job with benefits because of this.  Being without benefits again could mean another hospitalization which would cost money that I DO NOT have.  

There's an old saying "Don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes."  How about we don't judge him at all.  

Every week at church we have a box designated for the poor that people can put money in. I've never herd of anyone putting money in that box and then wanting to following it to the person who receives it making sure they spend it the way they see fit.  Freely they have received so freely they give.  Yet for some reason we as people feel we have a right to judge others if we think they are making bad decisions, even if we don't know the story behind their situation.  

I apologize for the rant, all that to say, if you judge someone in the food store with food stamps and and iPhone, you're judging me...and that stings a bit.   

I haven't forgotten about you...

I know, it's been way to long since my last post.  

Why, you ask?

Well I've fallen into some bad habits.  I've been lazy.  I've been grumpy.  At times I've been depressed. I've been weary.  And I've been sick of answering the same old questions over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

Today I've been in the house all day.  ALL day.  I am not one to do this.  In fact the only times I've ever done this are when I've been sick.  Even then it takes a major illness to ground me.  But not today. Today and Hurricane kept me on lock down.  

I have to be honest.  I've been disappointed thus far.  I love extreme weather.  I love the preparation, the drama, the excitement of what's going to happen, the common thing that you can talk with strangers about in the store even though you would otherwise NEVER talk to them.  Whether your excited or dreading it, it builds community in a way that not much else will.  I don't mean any disrespect to those who have been severely effected by this storm.  My heart goes out to those in devastation.  But I love blackouts!  I love the idea of all the power going out and forcing you to shut down for a bit.  To sit and read or knit (or crochet in my case) by candlelight.  I love the calm of a blackout.  The darkness and the silence.  

Today was not silent.  I watched TV... ALL DAY!  

I watched... 

5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy

1 episode of Private Practice

500 Day's of Summer (a movie, not actually 500 episodes of the show "Day's of Summer")

and 3 hours of the news (which basically said 20 minutes of news 10 times.)  

When I was 14 a tornado came through my town and we were without power for almost a week.  It was great.  Sure it came with its issued, problems and inconveniences, but we treated it as an adventure and enjoyed the fun of doing something different.  I was hoping for that today.  Hoping for an exciting change, if only for a few hours, that forced me to slow down, be quiet and enjoy the silence.  

I acknowledge that I may be speaking too soon.  The power may still go out tonight, into tomorrow.  If that happens, I will be happy.  Not that I love destruction and mayhem, but I do enjoy when life forces you to slow down and enjoy the unusual for a bit.  So for now, I am a bit disappointed.  

Fall

In addition to my usual sweat pants and t-shirt, I'm wearing socks and a sweater.  

It's 70 degrees in my house.  

Fall has started...

and I am soooooo ready!!!!

I love fall!!!  for so many reasons.  Let me list them.

-it's cooler

-the scorching heat of summer is over

-fall colors are the best!

-pumpkins

-mums!

-apples

-Thanksgiving!

-trees are beautiful!

-fire pits

-hoodies/sweaters

-boots

Aside from the Christmas season (which is genetically implanted into me to love with everything I am) this is my absolute favorite time of year!  

Just thought I'd share.  :)

Music

Things in my life are not as I would have hoped they would be at this point.  Many things.  Recently I've been fighting the "why me" attitude that is really just a trap into a downward spiral.  It is difficult during these times to keep my heart from getting hard, calloused by the many things that seem to be going wrong, and stay positive.

The one thing that keeps my heart soft?
Music.
It gets to me like nothing else can.
It reaches a place where even my moods can't go and brightens my soul during even those darkest times.
To me music is a living, breathing creature.
It is a constant.

Tonight I was listening to a song with the most beautiful cello.  At one point it came through so magnificently that tears came to my eyes and as it continued it was almost as if those notes were a vessel for my own release of emotion.  Never wanting or expecting a certain reaction, it was exactly what I needed it to be.  I played this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes.  It was beautiful, it was therapeutic, and it was taking me to a place where my heart was soft.  If only for those minutes I was able to feel joy simultaneously with pain, lightness along with a heavy heart, peace in the midst of uncertainty, and relaxation along side of tension.  A reminder that not everything is wrong, that some things are exactly as they should be, that some things will not fail me.

Over the course of my (soon to be) 33 years I have found very few people who have shared this understanding of music.  I consider these people true gems in my life.  Their understanding of this ability to be changed by simply a sound creates a brotherhood.  It reminds me of the hope this worlds surely has to offer if we just open ourselves up enough to experience it.

Job Search

So this summer (when I wasn't recovering from surgery or desperately trying to figure out my current health insurance situation) I've been looking for a new job.  I left a job at the end of the school year feeling confident that it was not the place for me to go back to in the fall.  I still feel that way.  But September is here and I have yet to find a new job.

Due to the fact that I felt and still feel that God's desire for me was to have a different job, one that does not suck out all of my energy, I don't see my current situation as a "take any job you can get to pay the bills" kind of thing.  I have faith that because I left my old job that an even better one is waiting for me.

Throughout the entire summer I have dreaded going back to work.  Each job I have come across has produced the same feeling... 'well I guess that could work' but still felt like it would be a place I went to make money and would look forward each day to the time I would get to leave.

This week I came across a job.  A job that I feel like I was made for.  All the dread and anxiety about drudging through life doing something just to get by vanished and I became excited about the prospect of going to this place every day.  A job that combines my degree with another area of my life that I have experience and knowledge in.  I spent an entire day dreaming about what it would be like to work at this place and how I would feel being there, serving people each day.

This job has a lot of unanswered questions.  The main one... how much would I be working?  It's currently listed as a per diem position (2 words that can instill a sense of fear and anxiety in anyone looking for a job.)  That leads to the next big issue... benefits.  My current health benefits situation is not good, I would love a job that will fix that.

Today I applied for this job.  I'm waiting now to see what happens next.  If you're the praying type I would like to ask you to pray for this situation.  If God does not want me here a simple thing will happen.  I won't get it.  But the opposite is a little more tricky.  If I do get offered this job, what do I do?  It could be not enough money, not enough hours, not enough benefits, the list continues.  I'm trying to not look too far ahead and just stay in the present.  The current path I'm on has a light for the next step which was apply.  After that I have no idea what comes.  Prayer would be appreciated.

Faith

Now that I've got your attention...

What is faith?  

Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc
5. a system of religious belief

Normally when one goes to the dictionary to find meaning the first definition is the one that provides the answer.  But not in this case.

For me, today, faith is defined as commitment.  

Let me explain.  

I know God.  I've known him for years.  We've been through quite a lot together, good and bad.  I've seen enough that I don't think it would ever be possible to deny him.  To convince myself that he does not exist is inconceivable. I have faith (definition #3.)  I attempt to live my life in a way that pleases him.  I have faith (definition #4.)  I spend countless hours of my life, within the walls of one of his churches pouring myself out for his sake.  I have faith (definition #5.)  I believe in something that can not been seen with merely our eyes, but with our hearts. I do not have the ability to convince others of this existence with physical proof that can not be argued against, and yet based on my own personal experiences I still believe.  I have faith (definition #2.)

That leaves definition #1: confidence or trust in a person or thing.  The last few months have been rough for me.  Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.  I have been through more than I felt I would be able to handle at times and yet here I am.  Struck down but not destroyed.  My confidence in God is shaky at best some days.  I acknowledge that my situations could be much much worse, but that doesn't make the reality of my current life any better.  I'm weary, angry, hurt and wounded.  

I have recently been comparing my relationship to God with that of a marriage gone sour.  It's rocky, not fun, difficult and painful.  I see the satisfaction in throwing in the towel, walking away and moving on (although I have no idea how that would work.)  Some days I want to give up.  Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs till the blood rushes to my face and I see red.  Some days I want to cry.  Some days I wan to warn others of the harsh reality of a life of faith.  So why don't I?  One word...

Commitment

Today my faith is defined by commitment.  I'm committed to trusting even when I don't understand.  My trust may be small almost to the point of nonexistent at times, but it is there.  Trust that God can still heal, trust that God will still provide, trust that the work God began he will see through to completion (definition #1.)

Faith