Introversion, Introspection... and maybe a little Narcism

These words may not all seem positive, but for me, they are the defining words of my summer, a good summer... no, a great summer!  These past 8 weeks have been unlike any other I've had in a long time.  For the first time I've had a true summer break.  I wasn't working, I wasn't looking for a job, and I wasn't recovering from surgery and all that that entails.  I've been deliberate, I've been relaxed and I've been selfish.  And I'm realizing that this is not always a bad thing.  

I love to serve people, it's one of the ways I love them.  I am always available for whatever needs to be done and often I will volunteer myself way past my energy or comfort level in order to love someone else.  In some ways it feeds me but drains me in others.  I love taking the time to make someone elses life easier, but often I forget about myself and my own needs in the process.  This summer I have taken a break from serving.  At first it was weird, but now I'm realizing that slowing down and taking care of yourself is the first step in being able to love others.  

As a "feeler" I'm constantly considering the thoughts and emotions of other people.  I always wonder about their hearts and their minds and how they are doing.  When I'm with people I know, I'm constantly taking the emotional temperature of the room and looking for ways to help others and to improve the mood if possible.  Again this activity is always for the sake of others and usually at the expense of my own self.  This summer I have removed myself from most of these situations.  

I am loyal.  If I love someone I will stand by their side no matter where they go.  I will walk with my people through dark times, being whatever they need, giving whatever they need, and spending myself for the sake of them.  This summer has been different.  Although I've still been this person, I've removed myself from a lot of unnecessary situations.  I've reserved my "darkness walks" for those select few, those whom I love and care for so deeply that to not be with them would be far worse than any darkness we would encounter together.  And in return I've come to realize that these people will and have done the same for me.  I've noticed, maybe for the first time, that I have also had people by my side this summer.  People who love me and will stick with me through anything.  People who have reminded me that taking care of myself is the first step in caring for others.  I've learned that these people are exempt from my introvertedness.  Being around them takes no energy.  It is a gift :)

I love sleeping.  This activity usually gets pushed to the side for the sake of other things during the year, but this summer I have slept (almost 8 hours each night!)  But I've also been very content with not oversleeping.  In the past I've exhausted myself to the point that when sleep comes, I stay that way for far too long.  I've also been known for sleeping a lot during the day as well.  Although I may have needed the sleep at first it often turns into a habit that causes me to feel as if I'm missing the life I was given.  Not this summer.  Aside from a few cat naps here and there I've been awake, experiencing life.

I've written lots of words this summer and it has been fantastic.  I've forgotten how much I love to write and I'm starting to realize that some of my words are very powerful.  This activity has helped me to process my own thoughts and has given me an outlet for stress and sadness.  It has helped me to look at the future through positive eyes and to realize that there is a great life out there waiting for me and all I have to do it live it.  

This summer I slept when I was tired, I ate when I was hungry (which is surprisingly less than I would have thought,) I cried when I was sad, I went on adventures, I took part in surprises, I loved my few select people and was loved back in return.  I've taken the time to admire beauty in the world.  I've learned that if I look up from my busy life every once in awhile there is beauty all around that is just waiting to be seen.  

If you asked me a year ago if waking up at 3:30am to drive to the beach for the sunrise sounded like a good idea I would have laughed at you.  But now I have learned that that is one of the greatest times ever to stand with your toes in the water, just looking out at the horizon.  (I definitely prefer it to any other time of day on the beach during the summer!)  

Next week I go back to work.  In some ways I'm looking forward to the routine again.  I love structure, it brings me peace.  But I'm also hopeful that some of my summer lessons will follow me into the school year.  I want to take better care of myself so that I have more to give to others.  I want to find a balance.  I want to be more relaxed, less stressed and more productive.  I want to spend more time with the people I love.  I want to go on more adventures.  I want to try new things.  (and maybe even eat some vegetables every once in awhile.)  

Sunset over the reservior

Early morning beach times

The great surprise!

Ocean adventures 

wedding attire

bringing out our inner child

Camping

Plane rides 

The best road sign EVER!!!!!

words...

words

So it's been awhile since I've written.  It's not that I haven't had time to write or things to say, just the inability to sit down and think long enough to compose something worth reading.  Please humor me during this attempt.

These past few weeks I've been thinking about my soul and the things that feed it.  I've been thinking about the things in this crazy world that cause my heart to let out a sigh of relief and let in the fuel that gives me energy to keep going.  You'd think this would be easy to determine, but for me it wasn't.

I believe there's a difference between something that makes you happy, and something that feeds you.  Something that leaves you better in the end than you were in the beginning, something that fills you up to overflowing and gives you a high, a joy that no other artificial thing can give you.  Over the course of this journey I've found a few things that do just that.  The best part is now that I've identified them, the joy they bring me has grown because of my gratitude for the outcome.

Live Music.

Live music feeds me.  It gets into parts of me that nothing else can.  It can awaken all of my emotions at once and leave me feeling as thought I've just spent thousands of dollars on therapy, but didn't have to say a word.

Large Bodies of Water.

It doesn't matter what kind; the ocean, a lake, a pond, stream, or river... they are all fantastic.  Not only are they beautiful but they demonstrate a power bigger than my self and provide a soundtrack for my thoughts that is so organic and yet completely accurate.

Open Sky.

Growing up in Delaware county there is not much open sky.  If you love trees you are in the right place, but large areas of open sky are hard to come by.  It makes me appreciate them all the more when I find them.  Coming out of a heavily canopied area and stepping into the largeness of open sky blows my mind every time.  (This would explain my overwhelming obsession with the reservoir, open sky + large body of water = very happy Marti!)

Freshly Hatched Babies.

Yes, you have read that correctly.  I love babies, but I especially love the newborns.  They make me burst with joy.  The happiness that comes from holding these tiny little humans can not be compared to anything.  It is like medicine for my body and my soul.  It is always a great day when a baby is born and can pull me from any mood I'm in.

People.

Loving people and sharing in their lives feeds me.  I don't think there's any greater privilege in this world then getting to come along side someone and get a front row seat to their life; their pain, their joy, their struggles and their triumphs.  I think the fact that people love and trust me enough to be that person in their lives has a much greater impact on me then they themselves.

Words.

Lately writings, thoughts and quotes have been an ever growing love in my life.  Some of them are my own but often they are from others, people with more intelligence and a better understanding of life then myself.  These words can in one small sentence hit a place in my heart that I thought was inaccessible and make me let out a (usually audible) "hmmmm."  They help me to ponder things that I would otherwise not think about or brush aside without a second thought.  It's amazing how a few sentences can explain something, encourage you, pinpoint your weaknesses, build up your strengths, or hit a spot that you didn't even know existed.  It's powerful, overwhelming, and utterly fantastic all at the same time.

Here are some of my favorite words...

Calloused

I have callouses on my fingers.  

They are great!  

As a guitarist (yes, I'm using that word to describe myself) these things have made my life much easier.  They are there for a reason.  To keep me from pain.  It took time to grow them and without regularly playing, they start to wear away and I must work to build them up again.  Otherwise playing feels more like repeatedly cutting my fingers with tiny razors blades.  These callouses have allowed me to work harder and become better at this craft.  

Callouses are a funny thing.

Calloused fingers for guitarists = good.

Calloused hearts = bad... or are they?

Today I realized that my heart is becoming calloused.  I live in a world that is so full of pain.  A world where things don't surprise me as much as they used to.  Don't get me wrong.  When I heard the news about the Boston Marathon my heart was sad.  But it was sad in a different way than usual.  It was heavy, but heavy as thought it's reached it's capacity to feel sad about these kind of things anymore so instead it just felt weighed down by another burden of pain.  

I first heard the news via facebook from a friend who's sister was running.  The stages of grief are real no matter how fast they happen.  For a split second I was confused, then I read the news and thought "That can't be.  That has to be a mistake."  Soon it was confirmed.  Then I was angry.  "Who would do that!?!"  Which was immediately followed by "Are my friends in Boston OK?"  I quickly texted them. They responded.  I was relieved.  But what happened next was surprising to me.  I simply went on with my day.  Heavy hearted and saddened, but not as I should have been.  It had this unfamiliar feeling of 'Another tragedy in another city where people I love live but are OK.'  

How have I become this?  

How has the world around me become so dark and filled with evil that in the midst of it I'm able to simply go on?  And how have I let myself become calloused to these things?  It's not that I don't care, I care deeply, but I've lost the ability for my brain to connect to my heart in these instances.  Maybe it's God's way of protecting me.  Protecting me from the amount of pain I would feel if it were not for these callouses.  

I believe that there is a difference between a calloused heart and a hard heart.  Is a calloused heart a good thing?  Like a guitarists fingers, will it make us better?  Will it allow us to push deeper into things that were once too painful to endure.  Contrary to my statement about calloused hearts at the beginning of this post, I believe so.  

My prayer now: God don't let my calloused heart turn into a hard heart.  Use the callouses for good.  

The Art of Sitting

I've been working away from home this week.  It's PSSA season and that means going to a site and proctoring exams all day.  Although I'm really enjoying it, it's exhausting (the 2 hour earlier wake ups each morning aren't helping either.)  Today's day ended and I knew if I went home I would fall asleep until some time this evening, wake up, and then be awake for most of the night.

NOT GOOD!

Instead I went to Burlap and Bean.  

B&B is my Central Perk.  No matter what, some of my friends are always there (mainly because a lot of my friends are employees.)  These familiar faces brighten my day.  Today was no exception.  I was greeted by one of my favorite people with a great big smile and our usual extremely awkward handshake.  A nice conversation was had.  I bought my usual, a Marble Mocha (small, regular milk, decaf, with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle!)  

Then I sat.  

B&B is one of the few places where I just sit.  At home sitting usually involves watching TV while surfing the Internet and playing on my phone at the same time while thinking about work that I could and probably should be doing.  At home I am distracted by so many things.  B&B is my escape from my 'To Do:' list and my place to relax.  There is freedom there from all the things I should do at home, freedom from being anywhere, freedom from the pressure to act a certain way, freedom to just simply be.  And that is what I did today.  

Next to me in one of the comfy chairs was a woman on her lap top.  She was simply sitting surfing the web while drinking her coffee.  About 30 minutes after I sat down I heard a noise and turned to realize that the entire time a baby (maybe 5 months old) was sitting in her lap.  He was wide awake, looking around and taking in the sights.  I was in awe of this.  This woman who was relaxing, enjoying her afternoon while still spending quality time with her baby looking truly peaceful.  I'm not sure if you know many moms but peacefull is a word I rarely hear my mom friends use to describe their afternoons.  This peace overwhelmed me.  I felt as though this woman was experiencing one of the greatest secrets of life that is missed by so many.  I was in awe of this.  I consciously thought 'If I ever have children I want to do that.'  I want to make a point to have my relaxing, freedom filled, afternoons no matter what phase of life I'm in.  I also could not stop thinking about the valuable lesson this child could learn from this over the years.  That taking time to stop, to sit, and simply be is valuable and prioritized.  

Across the shop were 2 friends sitting at a table.  Enjoying each others company while drawing pictures and then talking about the pictures they each drew.  Every 20 minutes or so they would stop and discuss, then start other drawings all while listening to an iPod each with one ear bud from the set in.  :)  This made my heart melt.  I'm not sure if it was the whole 'sharing ear buds' thing (which although it contained nothing romantic about it had a very 'Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti' feel to it) or just that they were really enjoying their time.    

Later a friend arrived who looked as though he was having a rough day.  We chatted briefly.  In hindsight I probably should have given him a hug (he looked as though he could have used one) but I'm not good with hugging and it never occurs to me someone might need that.  We had a short conversation but just those few minutes gave me countless hours of prayers that I can now pray for him and on his behalf.  I wonder if I was in another situation would I have noticed him and the heaviness on him.  Would I have been too distracted by my own stuff to notice someone hurting?
  

I stayed till almost closing time.  As I drove home I couldn't help but think about how full I felt (and not just from my mocha: small, marble, regular milk, decaf, with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle!) I felt full of life.  Even in my fatigue I was blessed by the things that I took in and experienced just by sitting and being for an hour and a half this afternoon.  I love times like these.  Sometimes it's in the most minimal things that you feel the biggest impact.  

This afternoon I went to one of my favorite places, I ordered my usual, sat down, and simply was.

I Am A Fighter

I once heard a very wise man say...

"When people don't know what it is that they're supposed to fight for, they fight with each other."  

This statement has become so true in my life this past week.  Not that I'm necessarily a fighter, but I'm a grumbler, a wallower, and a complainer.  So in a way I fight with myself most of the time.  Fight with my mind, my brain, my body, and spend countless hours being irritated with the world around me.   

This week, after a long and rough seven months I was reminded what it is I am made to fight for.  What it is that I am supposed to invest my time in.  That is the joy, the freedom of others.  

On two occasions this week I invested myself in this fight, and what a difference it has made in my own life in return.  I've been happier, more peaceful, lighter, and less angry with the world.  I've been pushed to continue in this way.  I've extended more grace to others and judged less.  I've been joyful.  And none of this was because of anything that I did to myself or worked on to obtain, it was because of what I poured out for others.  What an amazing return on my investment.  I give, and through that giving I receive in return.  

I am a fighter.  

My Brain

Each night I lay out my clothes before I go to bed.  I'm barely coherent in the afternoon, let alone the morning.  This is just one little step I eliminate from my morning in order to save time.  Something that takes me 3 minutes at night could take me 20 in the morning.  

Tonight I went to pick out my clothes.  Let face it, I wear the same three things 99% of the time, it's not that difficult.  But tonight the combination of dirty clothes plus the need for extra warmth during this wintry season made things difficult and I could not decide.  I chose on thing and laid it out, then chose something different and put that out that on top of the first choice, then chose a third thing and piled that on top, (just in case tomorrow morning I decide that one would be better of course.)  

I'm feeling indecisive.  

Now I'm in bed with a huge pile of clothes sitting on my chair awaiting for my morning decision.  That's when it occurred to me...I could have just left my wardrobe in it's drawers and chosen tomorrow, yet somehow in my mind this method makes so much more sense.  

.

.

.

Welcome to my brain...

Please make sure you're seat belts are fastened and your tray tables are in the uprights position...

it's going to be a bumpy ride!

My Foot

If you've seen me recently you might have noticed that I'm currently in a walking cast.

The first question that would typically follow this discovery is "Oh no, what happened!?!"

My response is usually very casually "Oh, I broke my foot."

Which is then almost always followed by "How did you do that!?!"

I hate this questions, mainly because there is no short answer for it and I don't want to give the long version to each person I see.  So, here it is.  

I have a stress fracture in my foot.  Stress fractures are normally caused from overuse (like runners, or sports players.)  The constant stress on the bones and muscles from overuse causes the bone to weaken and eventually forms a tiny crack.  I know what you're thinking...'I bet Marti's been secretly running all these years without telling anyone!'  I assure you this is not the case.  So what is it?

I have a muscular problem in my leg.  The muscles in the left leg are abnormally tight and overtime have put undue stress on certain parts of my foot.  Last year when I was dealing with an awful case of Plantar Fasciitis, it was due to the tension in my calf and fascia.  After almost a year of Physical Therapy and stretching the problem got better.  My Doctor thinks the amount of stretching I had to do last year affected the bones in my foot.  Muscles are attached to bones so when you stretch muscles, the bones feel it.  He thinks that with my foot/leg already having some other issues, that the stress put on the bones from stretching cause them to weaken and now break.  

I asked him how long a stress fracture normally takes to heal in a normal person.  This was his exact response... "in a normal person I wold expect it to heal in 6 to 8 week...but you're not normal."

I could be in this boot for awhile.  No need to ask me how it feels, it's doesn't really hurt at all.  It's just annoying.  I'm trying to ignore it.  Feel free to do so as well.