Don't get me wrong, I'm not in crisis and no one has done something horrible to me that has cause me extreme anger. I'm just not in a place in life right now where I feel settled. For the first time I'm seeking change, I'm just not sure what that change needs to be.
My job is stressful, very stressful for me with all of my health issues. The big problem with my health is that the main thing that makes it worse...stress. It's like a double edged sword that only seems to snowball with time. It's made me question what I'm doing. I love the field I'm in, but often I feel like I'm barely doing the things my degree qualifies me to do. It's frustrating, and recently I've been questioning a lot. I feel sorry for my work friends. This year they are seeing a bad representation of myself. Often I'm cranky, sarcastic, moody, exhausted, stressed, sometimes foul mouthed, and pretty much miserable. It's difficult because I'm not alone there in my feelings. It makes it hard to stay positive.
Church stuff is going great. I love leading these people and I'm finding it to be the single most rewarding aspect of my life right now. I'm using my music in a way that not only 1.blesses others but 2.blesses myself as well. It's the first time those two things have been completely unified in my life. It's wonderful. I've also been extremely blessed by friends this year. I've sort of appointed myself as the "untitled administrative assistant" to a friend who has stepped into a deeper leadership role. My ability to stay organized paired with his amazing talent, knowledge, and love for people has been a fun combination. The extra time I've gotten to spend with him and his wife recently has been a blast. I'm also excited to see what the future holds for music and worship at BRV. I feel like we're on the edge of something great. Just last night I was thinking how we're at a cross roads and we're standing on the corner of "going out to bigger places to learn" and "bringing people in to teach." It's a cool place to be.
I'm also embarking on a musical journey of sorts. I'm bringing back some old projects and seeing how I can adapt them to make them more "me" today. After a 10 year hiatus it seems like the right time to explore this and I'm hoping that something awesome will come out of it! I have some awesome people encouraging me and working with me to develop this into something that will represent who I am now as a person and a musician. (more to come later on this semi-secret topic!)
If I lived in a perfect world where money wasn't an issue, I would quit my job and do this church stuff full time. Unfortunately money is an issue. A big issue for me right now. This week I've been very aware of my bank account. It has made me thankful for the job I do have. Although I am a bit strapped right now, I am thankful for a job that comes with the knowledge that on the 15th, I will have more funds. It has also given me so much more compassion for those people who are strapped for cash and have no idea where there next pay day will come from.
To sum it up, life is not perfect, but it has some positive points in it. I apologize for the serious post, but it seems odd to come back after a blogging hiatus without giving some kind of update.
2 comments:
Hey! I felt the need to reconnect with you and here I am, reading this, 40 minutes after you post! I miss you and hope we can get together soon.
I'll go back and read some more... hugs.
I miss you too. It's been too long!
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