One short month ago, in a moment of weakness (or impulse) I went out and rented a harp. Some stuff kept coming up about it and I thought it might be good to have one to play around with and figure some stuff out. I'll be honest, when I rented this, I really thought that I would rent this thing, it would sit in my music room for a few months, and then maybe, just maybe I would start playing again a bit for myself on rare occasions.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!!
God had other plans. Now here I am, one short month later, playing at events the next 2 weekends...scared shitless!!!
How did this happen so fast!?! How have I gotten myself into this? Or the real question...why am I so darn freaked out by this?
This weekend I'm playing for a church event. It's going to be awesome. I've sang and played guitar a church events numerous times before. Why is this scary? My guitar skills are mediocre at best and yet I don't have one ounce of nervousness or fear when I play (and that's even while I'm playing with some really talented guitarists.) But this, an instrument that hardly anyone has enough knowledge on to know how well I'm doing, scares me.
Tonight at rehearsal I felt as though I did horrible. I messed up a few times, for some reason I was so far stuck in my head I couldn't let go and really experience what was happening. This gets me upset. It makes me not want to try. It makes me want to go back to hiding this because dealing with it is really hard.
What a waste that would be!
I'm fortunate enough to have some awesome people in my life who will not let that happened. Tonight as I was leaving, complaining about how I felt tonight went and feeling like a failure I was reminded that it's OK to not be perfect. That letting go of perfection and just enjoying what's happening is what will make this great. I was reminded that this is big and that I'm carrying this great big bag of shit behind this everywhere I go, but that each time I play a little bit gets broken off.
So how do I get to point where it's all gone?
I keep playing.
I keep putting myself out there.
I let myself be heard.
I admit that mistakes happen and that's OK.
I have fun doing what I'm doing.
Next weekend I'm playing. Playing out there, for strangers to hear me. It's scary. It's terrifying. I have this category in my mind for people who play shows like this. They're good musicians, musicians that people actually want to listen too. I do NOT feel like I fit into that category at all. Yet someone else thinks that I have something to offer. So I'm going for it. No matter how it turns out and how scared I am. If anything it's just one more opportunity for this darkness that surrounds this beauty to be broken off.
1 comment:
that is really awesome. i can remember some years ago now when maybe you played harp at christmas eve service? and my parents were both really moved by your playing...i'm excited to hear that you're doing even more with it now, and i think God is really going to use this talent of yours to reach people. yay!
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