Provisions

Provision: The act or process of providing.


Often when I think of the word provision I think of the basics of life; food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. When I think of myself and what I would consider "provisions" for my current life I would list rent, utilities, food, car, and medical bills.  


3 months ago leaving my job and trusting God to provide for me included all of the above.  I trusted that God would not leave me hungry and homeless with no transportation while drowning in a sea of medical debt.  So far it has worked out, my bills are paid, I'm not starving, and I have not been sick.  But the reality of a life where I have enough to just barely get by has been weighing on me.  What kind of life will this be.  Sure I'll have everything that I absolutely need, but there will be nothing left to actually enjoy life.  Nothing left to enjoy my favorite things of life and all that this world has to offer.  I then came to this startling realization...


My faith is so small!


Why wouldn't I believe that God will provide an abundant life for me.  Why wouldn't I believe that God loves and cares about me enough to let me have fun.  Why wouldn't I believe in a God that wants me to splurge every once and awhile for the pure joy and peace that it will provide for my soul.  And yet this is how I've been thinking up until recently.  


But the more I trust, the more I see how much deeper these "provisions" go.  I love coffee, I also love going to my favorite coffee shop and just relaxing.  When I have free time during the day I like to spend it there.  Recently I seem to have an over abundance of free time.  The downfall is that going to Burlap means I spend money on coffee.  Money which in my mind will only stretch far enough to ration the basic foods so I won't starve while also paying my bills.  But somehow through a variety of circumstances over the past week I have received over $50 in Burlap and Bean gift cards.  Gods provision for my favorite spot of relaxation.  


I also love music.  Many weekend nights I am out at various shows (usually at the above mentioned venue) listing to live music.  The problem again arises when I realize that these shows cost money, money with which I am to save for the soon to arrive catastrophe which will of corse come, completely wiping out my bank account.  But the realization occurs to me, B&B gif cards can buy show tickets as well.  


Twice this week I went, had coffee and read a book without spending any money.  Tonight I went to a show, a show that I was very excited about and that blessed my soul more than anything else this entire week.  After, one of the artists was selling CD's.  I wanted one, but again, a frivolous waste of money that should be saved for my next hospitalization that will cost me thousands of dollars.  I could not possibly tap into my bank account for...MUSIC.  Except that I was unexpectedly paid for a wedding I played at earlier today.  That combined with fantastic friends that will split the cost with me for this purchase, allowed me to spend a few dollars on something that will provide hours on beauty for my ears.  


Hmmm... provide.  


I can feel my faith growing.  Maybe this life of trusting will provide me with more than just sustainability, but also with joy.  Next week I'm going away for a conference.  I will be 2 hours away from a place that I have wanted to go back and visit for 6 years now.  And so without weighing my vast amount of cons of spending money on a room, I have decided that I will be spending 2 days in Canada.  2 days of relaxing, reading book, and playing guitar with nothing but the amazing water falls of Niagara as my companion.  It is a splurge, but one that can't be passed up.  When is the next time that I will be only 2 hours from this place?  When is the next time that I will have time to do this?  And so I will go, trusting that this money I've spent is not a waste, but another way God is allowing me to enjoy the amazing things that he has created and provided for me. 


The story of my current state with Health Insurance is still being written and as of today I have no idea how it will end.  One thing I do know, if God cares enough to provide and night of joy filled with music and friends, he will take care of the bigger things too.  

Turn, Turn, Turn

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."

I am currently unemployed.

This phrase has a certain stigma that comes with it.  As if someone has encountered a unfortunate event that had caused them to lose their job and are now in that terrifying process of finding another one a quickly as possible.  But this is not the case.

I have chosen my fate and have entered into this on my own accord.  

I know this is completely against what one thinks of as the norm.  I'm aware that to some I appear crazy.  Some days I think I too am crazy.  But none the less, I have made this decision.  It was not something I entered into lightly.  I contemplated this for 8 agonizing months.  At the end I came to the conclusion that although my job was not a bad job, it was not a good job for me.  

I have never been more confident of any decision I've ever made.  The peace that I've felt in going completely against the norm with no plan ahead has be the exact confirmation I needed.  

But what comes next.

I do not know.  

That is the best I can do.  I truly don't know.  There is a huge table currently before me with a banquet full of options, but I have yet to feel a particular craving in one direction or another nor have I felt that I have been specifically instructed on which item to chose.  My options are endless.

-Get another teaching job

-Get another job altogether

-Become a vagabond traveling the country enjoying all of the beauty it has to offer.

-Spend time in a foreign country serving others in need.

-the list goes on and on...

Throughout the past few weeks I had the question "what are you going to do?" coming at my from every direction.  Trust me, if I new I would tell you, but also trust that my not knowing is not due to irresponsibility, inexperience, or simply apathy.  I'm waiting, and trying to wait patiently.  I'm looking around diligently at all of my options and hoping that I am guided into the correct direction.  I am weighing all of my options, consulting all of my people, and praying fervently that God will guide me.  

If you are the praying kind and would like to join me in this request for clarity and direction, I would be much obliged.  

To begin again...

I'm going to be blogging again.

Too many thought racing through my little head.
I need an outlet, a captive audience if you will.
If it weren't 3:15am I would start now, but alas it will have to wait.
The knowledge that in the not so distant future I will be able to relieve some of the pressure my thoughts are producing is enough to satisfy me tonight.

Stay tuned...

McHenry Family Christmas Poem

So, many many years ago my mother decided she was going to start writing one of those Christmas letters. (You know the ones, those letters that people write each year about everything that has happened to them, they're family, they're pets, the mailman, their next door neighbors, and that weird guy that lives on the corner.) She would write a well thought out, usually way too long letter about the happening of the McHenry clan and fold it up (folded twice, the way a letter should never be folded) and stuff it into a store bought Christmas card. The letter was OK, not super exciting but not bad. As the years went on the letters became increasingly longer until it was just out of control.

I decided to step in.

About 5 years ago I suggested that instead of writing a letter, why not write a little Christmas poem for everyone. It would be more enjoyable to read and would still get the information out that my mother wanted to share with people. This turned into one of those instances where you suggest something and it becomes your job. I've been writing this poem for my mother every since. (Although I'm writing it, I always write it from my mothers point of view since it's technically her letter, I'm just the creative genius behind it! :) I've also convinced her that there is not need for store bought cards with a letter stuffed inside. We now get nice Christmas looking paper, poem printed on the front with nice family pictures on the back.

I'll admit I have fun doing it each year and I have yet to be dissatisfied with the results. :)

May I present to you the 2011 McHenry Family Christmas Poem:

Tis the Month before Christmas and man am I stuffed,

We just finished Thanksgiving and I sure had enough.

This year has flown by with no more than a blink.

So what happened you ask, I don't know, let me think.

I've been busier this year working each day,

And sometimes it seems I have no time to play.

I still see my grand kids in spite of this rush,

So please give me a moment right now as I gush!

"The boys" they are growing with leaps and with bounds,

And with all of their smiles there's no room for frowns.

In September their birthday's wee quite a to-do,

Celebrating Aidan who's 4 and Kieran who's 2.

"My Dog" is now Kieran's stuffed animal friend,

And when he can't find him the world might soon end.

Aidan is our ham who can put on a show,

Telling stories about a rooster who lost it's crow.

In October we watched lots of trick-or-treating,

With our Kieran the Dragon and Aidan the King.

They're both such sweet boys, I love seeing them grow,

The words "Grammy" and "Pop-pop" make my heart overflow.

And how are their parents? Dan and Anne are just fine.

Dan still loves every day with his Valentine.

Dan is teaching at Harris, third grade is his crew,

While Anne's working at home as a mother of two.

Jodi's house is now for the most part put together,

So she's spent some time in more tropical weather.

She went to the Bahamas and Mexico this year,

Traveling both times with close friends she holds dear.

It seems that her life is now on a new track.

She's been spending her free time with a young man named Jack.

They get along great and both seem quite smitten.

Could it be it's the love bug which with she's been bitten?

Marti's life just keeps getting more and more packed.

It's amazing sometimes that he brain's still intact.

Her job is a challenge that leaves her quite stressed.

You would think when she's done she would go home and rest.

But no then she goes to her church many days,

And helps out there in oh so many ways.

She's using her talents to make people feel whole.

Doing work like this is what's feeding her soul.

Dave and I had an uneventful year for a change.

I'll admit that no drama to talk about seems strange.

Our health has been good and we're both doing well,

And we hope this continues into 2012.

This year we were lacking extravagant vacation,

But got away a few times each for shorter durations.

We enjoyed the escape of a few long weekends,

When we went to the mountains and the shore with our friends.

We were moochers this year so we'd like to say thanks,

To the Baron's the Pandoshes and also the Planks.

This years been a blessing of health and of fun,

So I hate to inform you I now have to run.

There's so much to do before Christmas is here,

And soon after that we celebrate the New Year.

It's nice to take this time to slow down and reflect,

And it's important to me that each year we connect.

So as we approach the big day with the New Year in sight,

I’ll say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Here are the picture that were on the back of the poem. :)

processing...

This weekend was big. If you're wondering why I haven't posted about it yet (since pretty much all of my posts over the past month have been leading up to this) it's because I haven't even been able to process it yet.

Thinking about it is overwhelming.

One thing I will say is that I was able to fully except one compliment that did stick with me...and I actually believe it to be true. Other than that I'm still cringing.

This past weekend was a good start.

Yes a start.

Not the end...the beginning.

Big Day

Tomorrow (which is technically today now) is a big day! I'm nervous.

I'm branching out in a way I never have before. Playing the harp in a public venue for strangers...for fun! This is something so far removed from my comfort zone that it's almost unrecognizable. Nobody plays this instrument for fun, they either play for money or for the art of perfection...but fun!?! I'm also playing with someone else, supporting them in their music. The whole thing is a lot to think about.

I made a deal with myself. When I agreed to do this is became very apparent that this would be a huge challenge. I was going to have to break through a lot of old crap. So I decided that I would pick one day and it would be a day free from self-deprecation. A day free of putting myself down and a day full of building myself up. That day is now officially upon us.

Today I will accept all compliments that come my way.

Today I will say thank you when someone tells me I did a good job.

Today I will tell people how I got into this without hesitation.

Today I will work very hard to believe myself when I say these things.

Today I will let my friends support me in this process.

Today I will play proudly for others.

Today I will trust the encouragement of others.

Today I will push through.

Today will be great!

Harpin' it up in here!

One short month ago, in a moment of weakness (or impulse) I went out and rented a harp. Some stuff kept coming up about it and I thought it might be good to have one to play around with and figure some stuff out. I'll be honest, when I rented this, I really thought that I would rent this thing, it would sit in my music room for a few months, and then maybe, just maybe I would start playing again a bit for myself on rare occasions.

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!

God had other plans. Now here I am, one short month later, playing at events the next 2 weekends...scared shitless!!!

How did this happen so fast!?! How have I gotten myself into this? Or the real question...why am I so darn freaked out by this?

This weekend I'm playing for a church event. It's going to be awesome. I've sang and played guitar a church events numerous times before. Why is this scary? My guitar skills are mediocre at best and yet I don't have one ounce of nervousness or fear when I play (and that's even while I'm playing with some really talented guitarists.) But this, an instrument that hardly anyone has enough knowledge on to know how well I'm doing, scares me.

Tonight at rehearsal I felt as though I did horrible. I messed up a few times, for some reason I was so far stuck in my head I couldn't let go and really experience what was happening. This gets me upset. It makes me not want to try. It makes me want to go back to hiding this because dealing with it is really hard.

What a waste that would be!

I'm fortunate enough to have some awesome people in my life who will not let that happened. Tonight as I was leaving, complaining about how I felt tonight went and feeling like a failure I was reminded that it's OK to not be perfect. That letting go of perfection and just enjoying what's happening is what will make this great. I was reminded that this is big and that I'm carrying this great big bag of shit behind this everywhere I go, but that each time I play a little bit gets broken off.

So how do I get to point where it's all gone?

I keep playing.

I keep putting myself out there.

I let myself be heard.

I admit that mistakes happen and that's OK.

I have fun doing what I'm doing.

Next weekend I'm playing. Playing out there, for strangers to hear me. It's scary. It's terrifying. I have this category in my mind for people who play shows like this. They're good musicians, musicians that people actually want to listen too. I do NOT feel like I fit into that category at all. Yet someone else thinks that I have something to offer. So I'm going for it. No matter how it turns out and how scared I am. If anything it's just one more opportunity for this darkness that surrounds this beauty to be broken off.