Inquiring Minds Want To Know

I'm sure people are curious about the last week of my life.  Here is the short version.

(times may not be accurate due to extreme pain medication!)

July 9, 9:00 am 

Depart for road trip.  drove to Niagara Falls.  The drive was beautiful!

July 10, 9:00 am 

Spend day at the falls.  Also beautiful!

July 10, 3:00 pm 

Leave falls and drive to Syracuse NY for Vineyard Regional Conference.

July 11, 9:00 am 

Attend conference.  Experience pain in my side on and off throughout the day that feels too similar to kidney stone pain.  

July 12, 1:00 am 

Pain gets much worse and I decide (against the wishes of my friends) to drive home through the night to be back with my doctors/hospital in PA.

July 12, 8:00 am 

Arrive home, sleep for a bit

July 12, 1:00 pm 

Wake in excruciating pain, go to ER.  Confirm Kidney Stones.  

July 12, 5:00 pm 

Discharged from hospital.  Sent home with pain meds and anti nausea meds.  

July 13, 3:00 pm 

In terrible pain and can not keep pain medication down

July 13, 7:00 pm 

Back to hospital.  Bypass ER and get directly admitted to Hospital for "failure to discharge" Place on IV pain meds.  Work like a charm!

July 14, 8:00 am 

Doctor come in a decides to do surgery based on my past history with not passing stones on my own.  

July 14, 10:00 am 

Surgery.  No more stones.  Stent placed to help with recovery.

July 14, 8:00 pm 

Discharged from hospital 

July 15, 1:00 am 

Terrible pain.

July 15, 2:00 pm 

Call doctor.  Pain is almost worse then before surgery.  He tells me to take pain meds and if it gets worse go back to the ER.

July 16, 3:00 am 

Return to ER. Back on IV pain meds.  CT scan to make sure Stent is still in place and no more stones moving through.  

July 16, 8:00 am 

Discharged from ER AGAIN with new pain meds (hopefully will stay down) new anti nausea meds.

July 16, 7:00 pm 

Successfully sitting on couch, drugged up on pain meds without puking.  Only one more week of this and then I'll be stent free and in the clear.  

There's something about 2 am

I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about this time.  If I stay up this late (which I've been doing far to often recently) it seems that my deepest thinking starts at 2 am.  Maybe it's the quiet, maybe it's the fatigue, but something about it gets me.

Tonight I'm thinking about a friend.  Someone I love.  Someone who's hurting.

I'm also thinking about some music I heard earlier.  Music that fed my soul.  Music that blessed my soul.  And also some music that ripped open my soul.

The key word here is soul.  Music is not a surface thing for me.  It's something that goes to the deepest parts of me and my past.  My mother once told me that when I was younger she could tell what kind of mood I was in by the way I played the piano when I came home.  Piano was my instrument of choice as a child and into my teen years I could and would play for hours on end.

Tonight my head is racing.  The kind of night where no matter how tired you are, you can't slow it down to sleep.  There are happy thoughts, sad thoughts, serious thoughts, funny thoughts, uplifting thoughts and heartbreaking thoughts all racing through like a runaway freight train.  How do I put this on hold?  It's not that I want to stop it all together.  I truly believe that the ability to feel all of these things at once is a gift.  I would just like to calm these white water rapids to a trickle for the evening.

So I did something I haven't done in years.  I went upstairs, sat down at the piano, and played.  I played and I thought and I play and I relaxed and I played and I listened and I played and I played and I played until the rapids were gone and the water was calm.  It was wonderful.

(we'll see if my roommate agrees in the morning.)

Provisions: Take 2

My dear friend Addy (5 years old) said something a few months ago that has impacted so much of the way I think these days.  Her mother asked her what she would do if she were starving and all she had was a bowl full of stink bugs.  
Her response: "I would pray to God and ask him to give me everything that He thinks I need."

So recently I posted about being provided for: having the things I need while also having the ability to still enjoy life and have fun without having to pinch every single penny.

And so this saga continues.

A few months ago I registered for a conference in Syracuse that takes place next week.  It's something that I've been looking forward to and also something that will be beneficial for me.  I registered without giving it much thought.  I think it is important and so I signed up and paid the fee.  At the time I didn't have a place to stay and the hotel accommodations were a little pricey but I was not worried.  A few weeks later a friend offered for me to stay with her in her room, thus cutting the cost in half.  Score!

At the time I registered it's not that I had the money for this trip set aside but I didn't care.  I new I should go and so I was going, somehow it would all work out.

As it has gotten closer and closer to next week there has been a longing in my heart.  I have wanted to visit Niagara Falls for years.  I was there as a child and have always wanted to go back.  Next week I will be only 2 short hours from this destination.  How could I pass up this opportunity?  I thought about it for several weeks.  Each time thinking things like "I can't afford to go," "This is a waste of money," "How would I pay for it."  Finally I decided that it is unknown when an opportunity like this will come up again and so I booked a room in Niagara Falls.  It's only one night, but that's enough.  I'm not very high maintenance when it comes to travel.  A nice view to read and play music to for awhile and something powerfully beautiful to feed my soul is all I need.

I booked the room to my credit card.  (I think I just heard all my financially stable friends groan a bit.)  I believe that if this is something I'm supposed to do that the money will come.

Today it did!

I received an anonymous gift today that will cover most of my expenses, not just for Niagara, but for the entire week!  This was a huge gift for me and also a confirmation that all of the decisions I have made up to this point were correct.  

Some people would take on the attitude of 'boy she got lucky with that one' but as for me, I'm only more excited about what other adventures I will get to experience by trusting God to provide for me, not just what I want or think I need, but what He thinks I need.  

Provisions

Provision: The act or process of providing.


Often when I think of the word provision I think of the basics of life; food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. When I think of myself and what I would consider "provisions" for my current life I would list rent, utilities, food, car, and medical bills.  


3 months ago leaving my job and trusting God to provide for me included all of the above.  I trusted that God would not leave me hungry and homeless with no transportation while drowning in a sea of medical debt.  So far it has worked out, my bills are paid, I'm not starving, and I have not been sick.  But the reality of a life where I have enough to just barely get by has been weighing on me.  What kind of life will this be.  Sure I'll have everything that I absolutely need, but there will be nothing left to actually enjoy life.  Nothing left to enjoy my favorite things of life and all that this world has to offer.  I then came to this startling realization...


My faith is so small!


Why wouldn't I believe that God will provide an abundant life for me.  Why wouldn't I believe that God loves and cares about me enough to let me have fun.  Why wouldn't I believe in a God that wants me to splurge every once and awhile for the pure joy and peace that it will provide for my soul.  And yet this is how I've been thinking up until recently.  


But the more I trust, the more I see how much deeper these "provisions" go.  I love coffee, I also love going to my favorite coffee shop and just relaxing.  When I have free time during the day I like to spend it there.  Recently I seem to have an over abundance of free time.  The downfall is that going to Burlap means I spend money on coffee.  Money which in my mind will only stretch far enough to ration the basic foods so I won't starve while also paying my bills.  But somehow through a variety of circumstances over the past week I have received over $50 in Burlap and Bean gift cards.  Gods provision for my favorite spot of relaxation.  


I also love music.  Many weekend nights I am out at various shows (usually at the above mentioned venue) listing to live music.  The problem again arises when I realize that these shows cost money, money with which I am to save for the soon to arrive catastrophe which will of corse come, completely wiping out my bank account.  But the realization occurs to me, B&B gif cards can buy show tickets as well.  


Twice this week I went, had coffee and read a book without spending any money.  Tonight I went to a show, a show that I was very excited about and that blessed my soul more than anything else this entire week.  After, one of the artists was selling CD's.  I wanted one, but again, a frivolous waste of money that should be saved for my next hospitalization that will cost me thousands of dollars.  I could not possibly tap into my bank account for...MUSIC.  Except that I was unexpectedly paid for a wedding I played at earlier today.  That combined with fantastic friends that will split the cost with me for this purchase, allowed me to spend a few dollars on something that will provide hours on beauty for my ears.  


Hmmm... provide.  


I can feel my faith growing.  Maybe this life of trusting will provide me with more than just sustainability, but also with joy.  Next week I'm going away for a conference.  I will be 2 hours away from a place that I have wanted to go back and visit for 6 years now.  And so without weighing my vast amount of cons of spending money on a room, I have decided that I will be spending 2 days in Canada.  2 days of relaxing, reading book, and playing guitar with nothing but the amazing water falls of Niagara as my companion.  It is a splurge, but one that can't be passed up.  When is the next time that I will be only 2 hours from this place?  When is the next time that I will have time to do this?  And so I will go, trusting that this money I've spent is not a waste, but another way God is allowing me to enjoy the amazing things that he has created and provided for me. 


The story of my current state with Health Insurance is still being written and as of today I have no idea how it will end.  One thing I do know, if God cares enough to provide and night of joy filled with music and friends, he will take care of the bigger things too.