Fall

In addition to my usual sweat pants and t-shirt, I'm wearing socks and a sweater.  

It's 70 degrees in my house.  

Fall has started...

and I am soooooo ready!!!!

I love fall!!!  for so many reasons.  Let me list them.

-it's cooler

-the scorching heat of summer is over

-fall colors are the best!

-pumpkins

-mums!

-apples

-Thanksgiving!

-trees are beautiful!

-fire pits

-hoodies/sweaters

-boots

Aside from the Christmas season (which is genetically implanted into me to love with everything I am) this is my absolute favorite time of year!  

Just thought I'd share.  :)

Music

Things in my life are not as I would have hoped they would be at this point.  Many things.  Recently I've been fighting the "why me" attitude that is really just a trap into a downward spiral.  It is difficult during these times to keep my heart from getting hard, calloused by the many things that seem to be going wrong, and stay positive.

The one thing that keeps my heart soft?
Music.
It gets to me like nothing else can.
It reaches a place where even my moods can't go and brightens my soul during even those darkest times.
To me music is a living, breathing creature.
It is a constant.

Tonight I was listening to a song with the most beautiful cello.  At one point it came through so magnificently that tears came to my eyes and as it continued it was almost as if those notes were a vessel for my own release of emotion.  Never wanting or expecting a certain reaction, it was exactly what I needed it to be.  I played this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes.  It was beautiful, it was therapeutic, and it was taking me to a place where my heart was soft.  If only for those minutes I was able to feel joy simultaneously with pain, lightness along with a heavy heart, peace in the midst of uncertainty, and relaxation along side of tension.  A reminder that not everything is wrong, that some things are exactly as they should be, that some things will not fail me.

Over the course of my (soon to be) 33 years I have found very few people who have shared this understanding of music.  I consider these people true gems in my life.  Their understanding of this ability to be changed by simply a sound creates a brotherhood.  It reminds me of the hope this worlds surely has to offer if we just open ourselves up enough to experience it.

Job Search

So this summer (when I wasn't recovering from surgery or desperately trying to figure out my current health insurance situation) I've been looking for a new job.  I left a job at the end of the school year feeling confident that it was not the place for me to go back to in the fall.  I still feel that way.  But September is here and I have yet to find a new job.

Due to the fact that I felt and still feel that God's desire for me was to have a different job, one that does not suck out all of my energy, I don't see my current situation as a "take any job you can get to pay the bills" kind of thing.  I have faith that because I left my old job that an even better one is waiting for me.

Throughout the entire summer I have dreaded going back to work.  Each job I have come across has produced the same feeling... 'well I guess that could work' but still felt like it would be a place I went to make money and would look forward each day to the time I would get to leave.

This week I came across a job.  A job that I feel like I was made for.  All the dread and anxiety about drudging through life doing something just to get by vanished and I became excited about the prospect of going to this place every day.  A job that combines my degree with another area of my life that I have experience and knowledge in.  I spent an entire day dreaming about what it would be like to work at this place and how I would feel being there, serving people each day.

This job has a lot of unanswered questions.  The main one... how much would I be working?  It's currently listed as a per diem position (2 words that can instill a sense of fear and anxiety in anyone looking for a job.)  That leads to the next big issue... benefits.  My current health benefits situation is not good, I would love a job that will fix that.

Today I applied for this job.  I'm waiting now to see what happens next.  If you're the praying type I would like to ask you to pray for this situation.  If God does not want me here a simple thing will happen.  I won't get it.  But the opposite is a little more tricky.  If I do get offered this job, what do I do?  It could be not enough money, not enough hours, not enough benefits, the list continues.  I'm trying to not look too far ahead and just stay in the present.  The current path I'm on has a light for the next step which was apply.  After that I have no idea what comes.  Prayer would be appreciated.

Faith

Now that I've got your attention...

What is faith?  

Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc
5. a system of religious belief

Normally when one goes to the dictionary to find meaning the first definition is the one that provides the answer.  But not in this case.

For me, today, faith is defined as commitment.  

Let me explain.  

I know God.  I've known him for years.  We've been through quite a lot together, good and bad.  I've seen enough that I don't think it would ever be possible to deny him.  To convince myself that he does not exist is inconceivable. I have faith (definition #3.)  I attempt to live my life in a way that pleases him.  I have faith (definition #4.)  I spend countless hours of my life, within the walls of one of his churches pouring myself out for his sake.  I have faith (definition #5.)  I believe in something that can not been seen with merely our eyes, but with our hearts. I do not have the ability to convince others of this existence with physical proof that can not be argued against, and yet based on my own personal experiences I still believe.  I have faith (definition #2.)

That leaves definition #1: confidence or trust in a person or thing.  The last few months have been rough for me.  Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.  I have been through more than I felt I would be able to handle at times and yet here I am.  Struck down but not destroyed.  My confidence in God is shaky at best some days.  I acknowledge that my situations could be much much worse, but that doesn't make the reality of my current life any better.  I'm weary, angry, hurt and wounded.  

I have recently been comparing my relationship to God with that of a marriage gone sour.  It's rocky, not fun, difficult and painful.  I see the satisfaction in throwing in the towel, walking away and moving on (although I have no idea how that would work.)  Some days I want to give up.  Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs till the blood rushes to my face and I see red.  Some days I want to cry.  Some days I wan to warn others of the harsh reality of a life of faith.  So why don't I?  One word...

Commitment

Today my faith is defined by commitment.  I'm committed to trusting even when I don't understand.  My trust may be small almost to the point of nonexistent at times, but it is there.  Trust that God can still heal, trust that God will still provide, trust that the work God began he will see through to completion (definition #1.)

Faith