Music

So tonight I went and played guitar with some friends. I'm trying to better my drastically lacking skills and I am fortunate enough to know people who can help me with this. Upon taking my guitar out of the case and tuning it I came to a startling realization...I have not touched this thing in almost a month!

A MONTH!!!

That is the longest I've gone in probably 2 years with out playing. At first it seemed like a bad thing but then I realized, I haven't been playing because all of my free time for playing has been overtaken by the harp.

Yup, that's right. I've been playing. But what is even better...

I've been LOVING it!

Last weekend Ethan and I got together to play. I had no expectations except that I'd get over my fear of trying to figure this out. Boy did it work. It took us almost an hour to start actually playing, but once we did I was hooked. I felt like we were both kids on Christmas morning. (One thing I love about Ethan is that he reacts to awesome musical stuff the same way I do!) We were both getting so excited about the stuff that we were working out that we would almost lose track of playing from bouncing in our seats. It was a blast! (maybe soon, if I can work up the courage, you might get to hear some of it.)

Last night I came home from a long few days off from work full of shopping, eating, and singing. Normally, on a night like this I would sit in front of the TV for over an hour and veg until I finally fell asleep. Not last night. I wanted to play, I had to play, I needed to play. So I did.

I'm not sure exactly what's happening now with all of this or where it will lead in the future but I know that I'm having more fun playing now than I ever had before. It's so worth the debt I'm in now for the rental fee.

Music will always bring me more happiness than money.

Mortimer

My Mortimer is sick, very sick. SO sick that it's almost midnight and I'm considering calling the vet. The worst part is if I call the vet there's a 90% chance they will say bring him in and if I do that, it will be to say goodbye. I'm simply can not afford any more bills and I know anything that a vet will do as an emergency visit in the middle of the night will cost a fortune.

I hate the thought of choosing my cats end date due to financial reasons but I have no other choice. I simply don't have the money. I also know that he is old and reaching his end anyway but still. I hate this decision. h e thought of going to bed and waking up to a dead cat is not appealing either.

The reality is, death, no matter how you have it is not good.

It's always sad and it's always difficult...even in cats.

An Introduction

I'm bearing my soul on this one!

Get ready... (this may be long)

So when I was in middle school/high school I played the harp. I started playing when I was in 5th grade. My school had a harp program and you had to be asked to play. One of the requirements was proficiency in piano. Another girl was asked before me, my rivalry. This was the one girl that was a better musician than me. No matter what she was ahead of me (lets face it, she had more talent.) When she declined I was asked. I gladly accepted. Lets face it, it was the one thing that could put me ahead of her. I started playing on a school harp that was loaned to me and after a few years of playing I had progressed enough and my parents purchased a harp for me. Unfortunately I do not have any digital picture of that beauty but it was very similar to this.

In 1997 I started preparing for college. I had always thought I would go to school for music. Music was what I was, outside of music I didn't really have much else. I had thought since I was a child that I would go to music school for piano. In 97' I lost my piano teacher to an unfortunate crime and had no one to help me prepare for auditions. I could always fall back on vocals but lets face it, singers are a dime a dozen and my chances of making it were slim. I decided to go to music school and major in harp. My third choice. After 2 years in school I couldn't take it anymore. I was the only harpist there, and the first harp major the school had seen in a long time, which meant every comp major would write for harp and I had to perform it for them. It was too much for an instrument that wasn't my favorite. That combined with the academic demands was too much and I dropped out. I continued to play the harp for weddings and such (making great money) but I always hated it. Every time a job was coming up I would dread it. I would pray that somehow I could get out of it. Finally one day I had had enough. Why did I hate this so much, it was then that it was revealed to me. I started playing out of jelousy and continued to play out of greed. Wow! AFter that day I didn't accept any more jobs and after awhile of not touching the instrument it was decided that it should be sold. A wonderful young girl now has my "baby" and I'm sure she loves it. I sold it to a teenage girl who loved music and loved piano. An unfortunate accident permanently injured her pinky which made it impossible for her to play piano. She was healing that emotional wound by playing harp (which does not require working pinky fingers!) It felt right. That left me with just my little harp. I had purchased a small lap harp wen I was in school for fun. This was all the remained of my harp "career."

Lately I've been feeling this itch to play again, something in me wants to rexamine this area of my life. I'm not sure why, I haven't thought about the harp in years.

But what do you do when you have an itch?

You scratch!!!

Meet the newest addition to my household!

(Sorry for the bad picture quality)

I thought about it for a bit and decided that I should give it a try. I rented a harp. This way if nothing comes from it I only have it for 4 months and did not wast a ton of money on this discovery. None the less, I am enjoying it so far. Let me tell you, playing the harp is not like riding a bike and it has not just come right back to me. I have to work at it. This process has revealed a lot to me.

I am different and I don't like being put in a box. The harp comes with a lot of sterotypes; beautiful, angelic, peaceful, gentle. These are not words that would typically describe me. I felt like being a harpist meant trying to be these things.

FAIL!

Then on top of that you're surrounded by lots of other harpist, young girls, who's parents wanted just that. Parents who wanted their perfect little daughters to be beautiful harpists. I was lucky. My parents weren't like that. But still, it was annoying. This time around is different. One of the things I've been doing is approaching it with a different mind set. A harp is not angelic. In the bible harps were originally used as primarily a funeral instrument, only used during grief. It was David who turned it into a something of joy and celebration. Beside that I keep thinking of David. David was crazy, he was not angelic, he was a bas ass. In his playing the harp he was basically rebeling against the norm and doing something completely different.

The harp is BAD ASS!!!

That's what I want.

I've been thinking of it as more of a percussion instrument lately. An instrument that adds to a melody and assists a songs, it's not the song itself. That's what I want. I want to use this to make someone else's craft sound better. I want to use this to back someone else up. I have no desire to be a solo instrument simply sounding and looking beautiful. What fun is that. Music is something that should be enjoyed together. My favorite part of music is playing with other people. Working together to get an amazing sound. So that's what I'm gonna try to do.

(Just for the sake of comparison.)

This has been some of my inspiration lately. This lady is Bad Ass!!!

Amazing!

Even More Amazing!!!

Kid In A Candy Store

I've heard several mothers complain over the years about the check out isles at grocery stores. Every time they go with their children, they get stuck in an isle, waiting, with all of the gum and candy a child could want staring back at them. The temptation is endless! Many of my mom friends were very excited when some stores started removing the candy from certain isles, giving them the choice to avoid the temptation.

Every time I would hear someone bring this up I would think about how little of an issue this is for me. I do not have a sweet tooth. Now if every check out isle had french fries staring back at me, I'd be in a huge mess of trouble!!! After all they are my biggest weakness.

Then this afternoon I realized I have a huge exception to my non-sweet tooth. Trader Joe's Hazelnut Milk Chocolate Bars. For some reason whenever I'm there I can not resist them. I have turned into that kid in the grocery store that can't look away in the checkout isle. Without thinking I grab one on my way to the register each and every time. This needs to stop! I have no control. They are my one weakness when it comes to sweets. I guess it could be worse, they could actually be french fries! Then I'd be screwed!!!

Illness & Medicine

So I've been under the weather this past week. I started with what I though was just a minor cold/cough. The cold stayed the same, the cough got worse...and worse...and worse. Finally I caved. I went to the doctors even though I felt ridiculous. Seriously, who goes to the doctors for a cough!?!

Apparently what I thought was just a cough was actually some pretty significant asthma! I'm now on a steroid inhaler and Prednisone. Let me tell you this medicine is crazy! And I know it's crazy, because it's making me crazy!!!

Prednisone has a reputation for making you feel jittery and that it does! I feel shaky most of the time and it raises your blood sugar which doesn't help either. But the best part...I am ravenously hungry!!! I mean seriously, I could eat all day long. I'm trying to hold myself at bay with 4 full meals a day but even that seems like nothing!!! Really, I mean it, I'm starving. I was away for 24 hours this weekend and it was all I could do to not act like I was going to start eating the chair I was so hungry. I made it through with the constant thought that I know I'm not actually starving, I just feel like I am. But still.

It was so good to come home tonight and have my second dinner. Yum!!! Now it's time to go to bed. I better go grab a snack before I head upstairs. (If only my metabolism was acting in overdrive as well!)

Life Gets In The Way

So life has been crazy and blogging has been put on the back burner. Not because I don't want to blog but because I've been going by the method of "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in crisis and no one has done something horrible to me that has cause me extreme anger. I'm just not in a place in life right now where I feel settled. For the first time I'm seeking change, I'm just not sure what that change needs to be.

My job is stressful, very stressful for me with all of my health issues. The big problem with my health is that the main thing that makes it worse...stress. It's like a double edged sword that only seems to snowball with time. It's made me question what I'm doing. I love the field I'm in, but often I feel like I'm barely doing the things my degree qualifies me to do. It's frustrating, and recently I've been questioning a lot. I feel sorry for my work friends. This year they are seeing a bad representation of myself. Often I'm cranky, sarcastic, moody, exhausted, stressed, sometimes foul mouthed, and pretty much miserable. It's difficult because I'm not alone there in my feelings. It makes it hard to stay positive.

Church stuff is going great. I love leading these people and I'm finding it to be the single most rewarding aspect of my life right now. I'm using my music in a way that not only 1.blesses others but 2.blesses myself as well. It's the first time those two things have been completely unified in my life. It's wonderful. I've also been extremely blessed by friends this year. I've sort of appointed myself as the "untitled administrative assistant" to a friend who has stepped into a deeper leadership role. My ability to stay organized paired with his amazing talent, knowledge, and love for people has been a fun combination. The extra time I've gotten to spend with him and his wife recently has been a blast. I'm also excited to see what the future holds for music and worship at BRV. I feel like we're on the edge of something great. Just last night I was thinking how we're at a cross roads and we're standing on the corner of "going out to bigger places to learn" and "bringing people in to teach." It's a cool place to be.

I'm also embarking on a musical journey of sorts. I'm bringing back some old projects and seeing how I can adapt them to make them more "me" today. After a 10 year hiatus it seems like the right time to explore this and I'm hoping that something awesome will come out of it! I have some awesome people encouraging me and working with me to develop this into something that will represent who I am now as a person and a musician. (more to come later on this semi-secret topic!)

If I lived in a perfect world where money wasn't an issue, I would quit my job and do this church stuff full time. Unfortunately money is an issue. A big issue for me right now. This week I've been very aware of my bank account. It has made me thankful for the job I do have. Although I am a bit strapped right now, I am thankful for a job that comes with the knowledge that on the 15th, I will have more funds. It has also given me so much more compassion for those people who are strapped for cash and have no idea where there next pay day will come from.

To sum it up, life is not perfect, but it has some positive points in it. I apologize for the serious post, but it seems odd to come back after a blogging hiatus without giving some kind of update.